On mountains, grief and balance

So I actually got to do something I've really needed to do since the dead husband died going on almost 4 years now. I went away for a couple days.

I went to the mountains and just, was.

Now being an urban pagan of the nth degree I had to have all the modern conveniences - no tent for me! I stayed at the lovely second home of an acquaintance in the Blue Ridge Mountains and I must say, it was wonderful. The dead husband and I had begun looking for property up there at one point, specifically a nice log cabin home. So this was kind of that visit we never took.

I took my laptop from work, only loaded Mob Rule on it and The Glock (cuz ya know, alone, female, mountains, right). I stopped at the store and got some groceries and several bottles of vino. I realize now I should have left the damn laptop and the interwebs at home. But I digress.

Can you imagine all the stars that are in the night sky? The absolute quiet that surrounds you? The beauty of the sun coming up over wooded hills? The multitude of colors on the trees in the fall? This sure ain't the Beltway boys and girls!

Mostly though, the recognition of knowing how small you are in all this and yet the infinity you are as well?

The Goddess was rather quiet for me while I was there. The God however, made himself wrenchingly clear. I think that's what drove me there along with the need to be alone. I knew him, but I didn't know him. He wanted me in his element, he wanted his time. He wanted me to know he wasn't any of the residual christian concepts I was carrying around. And just as this is his season for dying, that ideal of him needed to die as well. He wanted to make sure I knew he was just as much inside me and around me as She is.

And I found a little of what I've always strived for in my life - balance.

I also managed to let another piece of the dead husband go. I sit here crying as I type this as it's not something I want to do, I have to do it. My grief has been my armor for too long now and I need to take it off. One piece at a time mind you, but off it must come.

I thought I could never be alone again. I thought I had to have a partner. I thought that was needed to balance my life. To complete me.

But I found I'm complete within myself.