Short-timer's disease

This morning is a sort of premonition morning for me. It's one of those rare mornings when I wake up and I'm the only person in the house. Have been all night. Sean's out who-knows-where and PFC Tyler is spending the night at a friend's. I'm all alone except for the cats.

It's a strange feeling.

I've been someone's wife or mother for over 25 years - actual aloneness doesn't compute. There's always been someone there who needed something, wanted something or just had to be looked out for. Right now there's only me to worry about. How weird.

Last night wasn't as strange, I've gotten used to the boys being out for the evening and being here alone. So I kicked back with a movie, a joint (not a cigarette) and a glass of wine. Of course the trained domestic servant in me also managed to cook a pot of red beans, a pot of chili and roast a chicken so I would have most of next week's dinner's already done. All while starting on my kitchen reorganization.

I'll admit I did most of that because I was all excited about getting my first free piece of cookware from the local grocery store. You get stamps for every $10 purchase and I FINALLY had enough to get the casserole I wanted. Yes, I'm a dweeb but you gotta grab your happiness wherever you can get it. Besides, I need new cookware.

Anywho, at one point I looked over at the livingroom and mentally began redecorating it to MY personal taste - sans anyone. Basically it involved all existing furniture except the electronics - gotta keep my stereo and surround sound - being burned in a bonfire while the new paint dried on the walls. (I'm nothing if not detailed in my fantasies.) Yes, I was temporarily transported out of this time and into a future that required no immediate responsibilites from me.

And I fucking LOVED IT.

Now that's the weirdest part. Sorta. I dunno. I started feeling the empty nest thing about 2 yrs ago when I realized my sentence as a parent would be over before I was 50. Now I will be free in 2.5 years when PFC Tyler turns 18 and graduates from high school. And I think I'm beginning to get the I'M FREE vibe. Like short-timer's disease when you give your 2 wks notice at work.

Unfortunately, these next 2.5 years will be the hardest. I have to keep PFC Tyler off drugs (and he's clean as the tests from the doctor showed), I have to keep him from getting some girl pregnant, keep him out of jail and graduate him from high school. That's a LOT of shit to manage when you only have peripheral control. But when it's all over, I can put his shit out of my house and change the locks and be FREE of day-to-day parentude. You're never free of motherhood, but it's easier when they're grown and it's done from a distance.

Once all this is over I'm going to treat myself to a trip to Ireland. I can use the money I'm saving from quitting smoking to fund it.

Life will be good.