On personal challenges and decent people
Today I begin one of the greatest personal challenges of my life.
I'm going to quit smoking.
I've been smoking since I was about 12. Marlboro reds. Yeah, hardcore (ok, at least they have a filter!) 2-3 packs a day. So that's about 36 years of killing myself. I smoked during all 3 pregnancies, although with the 1st the ex tried to keep me from smoking by taking the cigs when he left for work. So I smoked the butts in the ashtrays. I'm an addict, I know. I didn't even try to pretend with the next 2.
I did manage to quit once. I had pneumonia. My body basically told my brain FUCK YOU we need OXYGEN or we will DIE. When I felt better I immediately went back to smoking.
Knowing myself, quitting would never happen without medical intervention. I can't honestly say that even if I was diagnosed with lung cancer or had to drag around an oxygen tank I would quit. It's too much a part of me now and I am weak.
I vowed that when I got health insurance I would ask for a prescription for Chantix. And when I went to the doctor last week I did just that. Of course now that my boss has lied about the insurance, I can't afford the stuff. It's fuckin $129 per 4 week dose and it's a 12 week program.
Well I was in a pissy mood yesterday and the Butterfly can't stand for me to be anything but smiles and laughter so he demanded to know what the fuck my problem was. I told him and for the umpteenth time he reached for his wallet. So this pissed me off even more - he always offers to help me out and I always REFUSE. I'm not his responsibility and I don't want material things from him. He calmly asked me if I really wanted to stop smoking and if so as my friend he wanted to help me in any way he could. He told me to take the money I would spend on the cigs and put it in a jar and pay him back if it made me feel better. His only request is that he can harass me during this for shits and giggles. Sometimes I forget what a decent person he is. But I never forget what a sadistic asshole he is.
So I'm sitting here with my first pill about to embark on a major change in my life. Fitting that I do this on the first day of the new year.
I'm going to quit smoking.
I've been smoking since I was about 12. Marlboro reds. Yeah, hardcore (ok, at least they have a filter!) 2-3 packs a day. So that's about 36 years of killing myself. I smoked during all 3 pregnancies, although with the 1st the ex tried to keep me from smoking by taking the cigs when he left for work. So I smoked the butts in the ashtrays. I'm an addict, I know. I didn't even try to pretend with the next 2.
I did manage to quit once. I had pneumonia. My body basically told my brain FUCK YOU we need OXYGEN or we will DIE. When I felt better I immediately went back to smoking.
Knowing myself, quitting would never happen without medical intervention. I can't honestly say that even if I was diagnosed with lung cancer or had to drag around an oxygen tank I would quit. It's too much a part of me now and I am weak.
I vowed that when I got health insurance I would ask for a prescription for Chantix. And when I went to the doctor last week I did just that. Of course now that my boss has lied about the insurance, I can't afford the stuff. It's fuckin $129 per 4 week dose and it's a 12 week program.
Well I was in a pissy mood yesterday and the Butterfly can't stand for me to be anything but smiles and laughter so he demanded to know what the fuck my problem was. I told him and for the umpteenth time he reached for his wallet. So this pissed me off even more - he always offers to help me out and I always REFUSE. I'm not his responsibility and I don't want material things from him. He calmly asked me if I really wanted to stop smoking and if so as my friend he wanted to help me in any way he could. He told me to take the money I would spend on the cigs and put it in a jar and pay him back if it made me feel better. His only request is that he can harass me during this for shits and giggles. Sometimes I forget what a decent person he is. But I never forget what a sadistic asshole he is.
So I'm sitting here with my first pill about to embark on a major change in my life. Fitting that I do this on the first day of the new year.
Labels: not smoking
posted by greer at
6:56 AM
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