Relics and cigarettes going down the tubes

Apparently my coven sisters are trying their best to SUCK ME into full Facebook immersion. LOL. Not.

I officially hate my job, don't want to work there anymore and couldn't give a fuck about fuckall there. Therefore, I proceeded to charge a brand new Day Timer set to the company. Fuck it, I always wanted teh nice leather 7-ring one.

So we finally get cable (after more than a year with no tv) and the tv in my room gives up the ghost. I figure, ok I can get a new tv cheap, everyone wants flat screens so a tube set should be damn near free. LOLOLOLOLOLOL They don't even MAKE tube tvs anymore. I can remember when all we had was black and white tv - there was no color. I can remember when we had rabbit ears - there was no cable/satellite. Now I'm enough of a relic there aren't TUBE tvs anymore. Sigh.

I was so horribly depressed today that I sent the Butterfly a txt msg saying I needed a cig, to which he replied NO FAGS!!! Of course I bummed one from someone and smoked it anyway and immediately proceeded to get sick. Sheesh.

Really, what IS the point anymore?

The Junkie's Gospel

Yes, "coochie on lockdown" is back. I'm sorry, I love that avatar and could care less if it's offensive to anyone.

I've been all edgy the past few days. But edgy under the surface, not outside. Something's going down - unfortunately it ain't me. I don't know what it is but my skin is almost crawling.

I'm obsessing over shit too. Well that's actually normal for me. Like right now I'm on a Tom Jones jag and a blue jag. All Tom Jones music All the Time and All Blue Clothing All the Time. I'm also hopping from fav blogs to fav forums and back again all damn day. I do know I need to go on a coffee detox soon too. The green tea and the cranberry juice are flushing all kinds of nasty poisons from years of smoking. (Yes, I'm extremely in tune with my body, little gets past me.)

Maybe it's just the quitting smoking thing. The cravings are still infrequent, but when I get them - I GET THEM. It's like coked out pms or something. They say when you're detoxing and going through withdrawal from the serious drugs you feel this way. Like you could literally jump out of your skin. I've had actual reformed junkies tell me this so I kinda take it as gospel. Nicotine is the only thing I've ever been addicted to and this is the only time I've seriously tried to kick it, so..

I still can't get over my self-control in all this. I HAVE NOT HAD A CIGARETTE IN 2 FUCKING WEEKS BITCHES! Not even a hard, stale, burnt out butt. NOTHING! But if whatever is brewing doesn't break soon I WILL jump out of my skin.

Now where is that red-headed man when I need him....


now playing on my iPod "It's Not Unusual" Tom Jones

2 beers and 1 swiss mushroom burger later

Well today is not a good one at all.

I am obsessed with smoking a cigarette because I'm stressed out and that cigarette would relieve some of that stress. The stress is mostly sexual but that's another post entirely.

Of course, I realize this is a complete lie and that smoking while stressed is a learned habit I need to un-learn.

But that doesn't help the fact that I WANT A CIGARETTE NAO!

All of this of course leads me to ponder why the hell I don't have this much self-control over the REST of my life?

It certainly isn't limited to control over the physical - I've been whining to myself for 6 months I need to start walking again and yet here I still sit.

I KNOW I have no control over the emotional - 3 marriages and an affair with a married man are evidence of that.

So I have to apply myself to discovering what the deal is. And hopefully once I figure it out I can use it in OTHER areas of my life which desperately need it.


now playing on my iPod "Grind" Alice in Chains

Oral fixations or how I'm gaining 900 lbs

I have nfc how I'm managing to continue quitting smoking.

That's not to say that I don't have SERIOUS MAJOR MIND NUMBING cravings, but somehow I manage to get through them. I haven't smoked a cigarette in almost a week. That is amazing to me.

I realized I needed to adjust the times I take the Chantix though. 5am is just too early as it starts to wear off by 1pm and I don't get the second pill til about 4:30pm. So today I waited til about 7am and the afternoon went smoother. I still get a mild headache everyday which a single aspirin seems to relieve.

I will however, weigh at least 900lbs by the time I quit. I really have problems with the oral thing. I have lollipops and all but I think the eating is making up for the not smoking. Well duh, yeah it is. Sucking the Butterfly's dick is only going so far to satisfy that oral fixation, but he's all about "helping the cause in any way he can". Dweeb.

You're also supposed to change your routines around if they involved smoking. However I was reading on the quitting cold turkey site that wasn't wise. Even after you quit you'll still have certain routines you associate with smoking and that could cause you to start again. That made complete sense to me, so rather than change the routines I just modified them somewhat. That not smoking after eating though is a BITCH - especially since I'm a human garbage disposal right now.

The vivid dreams are still there, add to that the fucking night sweats from perimenopause and the enhanced insomnia and I'm a mess. But I'm a healthier mess. Did I mention I may go back to being a vegetarian when this is over? I felt at my healthiest in life back then. We'll see. Have to do it slowly.

I will say this, I celebrated the Esbat by myself last night and it was an intense experience. I felt CLEANER inside and that made a MAJOR difference in the magic. It flowed much freer and even carried through to today. Very, very cool.

now playing on my iPod "Stigmata Martyr" Abney Park

Suicide is going to be the death of me

So since I've been on Chantix it appears my loved ones have me on suicide watch.

Blink.

From the official site (and the script insert):

Some patients have had changes in behavior, agitation, depressed mood, and suicidal thoughts or actions while using CHANTIX to help them quit smoking.

So everyday I get asked by my loved ones "are you ok?" "how do you feel?" and from the Butterfly "so, you gonna kill yourself today?".

Can you feel the love here?

Now to be honest, I realize where they are getting this over zealous concern from - a discussion I've had with each of them at some time over the years. The "I believe that a person has the right to end their own life when they feel they're ready to go."

Yeah I know. Gets the Western sensibilities in a snarl.

I also know how fucked up I was after the dead husband died and those that went through that with me were extremely concerned about my mental well being. Rightly so because frankly, if I hadn't had PFC Tyler I would have offed myself. The needs of my kid have kept me alive, not some twisted love of life. The Butterfly didn't know me then so I have nfc what his malfunction is. Speaking of which he's on the phone now asking me how I'm doing and telling me how proud of me he is and some sexually deviant stuff, lol. Jeebus, do I come across as a fucking psychopath or something???

So how did I come to the conclusion that suicide is acceptable? Well meet my Aunt Connie (circa 1956).



My aunt was one of the women who helped raise me. She was also the first professional female in our family. Extremely smart, fiercely independent, defiantly feminist. She and my uncle Curtis had no children, so my cousin Debbie and I became "hers". Shortly before she retired, my uncle moved to TN and they were officially separated. About 6 months after her retirement, my aunt died of an overdose. It was ruled an accident, but we know what happened.

Connie was ill towards the end of her life. She was also lost after retiring - her career was her LIFE. Add to that the strain of her 30 yr marriage ending and she was just - tired of living. I can get with that. I can UNDERSTAND that. I can respect that. I was 15 at the time and understood that. The money she left me funded my first 2 years of college. She inspired me to be a hard-nosed professional.

The thing my loved ones can't seem to get is that I am not suicidal. I'm groovin along with life now. No, it was NOT GOOD when Danny died but life does go on. I've learned to enjoy the little bright spots of happiness you get even if they're few and far between. So everyday I have to tell them to get a grip, stop freaking out and relax. I'm not planning on going anywhere, damn I'm trying to quit smoking, DUH!

Yes, I know all the arguments about suicide: it's selfish, it's cowardly, it's illegal, it means you have issues that need to be shrink-ified. No, it's NONE of those things. It's a personal choice that should be respected and accepted.

But I still believe it's an individual's right to end their life when they want. And if or when I ever decide it's my time, I will.


now playing on my iPod "Touch of Grey" Grateful Dead

What's long and needs to be sucked to stay hot?

I really don't think my bathroom can get any cleaner that it is right now.

And I want a cigarette SO FUCKING BAD I can't stand it. It's the only thing on my mind. And I sit here surfing the net and reach over like I'm gonna find a pack to grab a smoke and there's NOTHING THERE. I also watched "Pitch Black" (damn Vin Diesel is FOINE!) and "Elizabeth".

I read how cranberry juice is good to flush the nicotine out of your system, so I got some of that and some lollipops and some cinnamon sticks and cut up some carrots and celery to take to work tomorrow and I'm going nuts cuz I want a FUCKING CIGARETTE.

So today I've managed to wash every single piece of clothing I own, all the linens, all the throw rugs, all the towels - anything in my house that was dirty is now clean. All I can smell is clorox, I didn't use the Method today it was DEATH TO ALL GERMS suffer like I AM!!

I also managed to make a pot roast which is slowly simmering in the crock pot, chocolate chip cookies, blueberry muffins and yeast rolls. They say you peak at your nicotine withdrawal at around 72 hours. They lie.

FEAR ME I AM SUZY FUCKING HOMEMAKER IN NEED OF A NICOTINE FIX!!!

And it's only 7:30pm. And I've had a migrane since Friday.

Sigh.

Clawing and scratching

I really have no idea how I'm going to quit smoking.

Today is my first official smoke free day and I'm ready to claw the skin off my body.

I've tried to keep busy - I made chicken noodle soup from scratch, I washed clothes, I watched a couple old movies I haven't seen since I was a child, I argued with my sliding-back-into-delinquency son, I took a nap, I sat outside - AND IT'S NOT EVEN FUCKING 6 PM!!!!

I managed not to dig through the trash and find a butt to smoke, I REALLY managed not to go out and buy a fucking pack of smokes either.

I can get through the need to smoke impulses so far, it's the physical withdrawal that is hell. And this is ONLY day one. And I can't call the Butterfly so he can make me laugh and forget this shit for awhile and that sux.

Now I have to figure out how I'm going to get through the next 4-5 hrs. Let alone the next 11 weeks.

Sigh.

Where I ponder if this is what ass tastes like

Tomorrow is my official last day of smoking. My quit date.

I'm not sure how that's going to work. The Chantix is definitely working as I don't get the "high" or "euphoria" from smoking. When I do drag out those times between cigs though the physical reactions are a bitch. I realize I'm going to suffer MASSIVE withdrawal symptoms over the next few weeks as my body isn't affected by the drug. I already know how it's going to feel and it's got me pretty nervous. I am finding that the taste of the cigs is (what I imagine) ass to taste like and more than 3 puffs gives me a headache. Interesting.

More than anything, I have to change my habits. After 25+ yrs of having a cup of coffee and a cig in the morning THAT is going to be hard. I tried this morning and I was all discombobulated.

The Butterfly was all nice and sweet and tried to be helpful when I told him how fucked up I was feeling. He suggested I take a quick walk when I needed a "cig break", or find something else to distract me. So far he hasn't teased me to the point of insanity but it's coming, I can see him gearing up. Of course like a doofus I agreed to let him get his jollies at my expense, but meh, I couldn't do this without his help. And then after having a stressful day thinking I was going to enjoy the EXTREMELY RARE AND ELUSIVE evening with him, I got cockblocked by my period. That just pissed me off to no end so here I sit alone smoking what was supposed to be my LAST pack of cigarettes - you know, the ones that now taste like ASS - instead of doing the dirty with a red-headed man. Sigh.

Despite an all around fucked up day I'm still committed to quitting. And I'm trying to not be depressed about the fifty gabillion things that are wrong with my life. Sometimes it really is all about taking it one fucking day at a time. I'm glad this one is almost over.

No doubt there will be some fresh hell waiting for me tomorrow.

now playing on my iPod "Winter: Allegro Non Molto" Vivaldi

On personal challenges and decent people

Today I begin one of the greatest personal challenges of my life.

I'm going to quit smoking.

I've been smoking since I was about 12. Marlboro reds. Yeah, hardcore (ok, at least they have a filter!) 2-3 packs a day. So that's about 36 years of killing myself. I smoked during all 3 pregnancies, although with the 1st the ex tried to keep me from smoking by taking the cigs when he left for work. So I smoked the butts in the ashtrays. I'm an addict, I know. I didn't even try to pretend with the next 2.

I did manage to quit once. I had pneumonia. My body basically told my brain FUCK YOU we need OXYGEN or we will DIE. When I felt better I immediately went back to smoking.

Knowing myself, quitting would never happen without medical intervention. I can't honestly say that even if I was diagnosed with lung cancer or had to drag around an oxygen tank I would quit. It's too much a part of me now and I am weak.

I vowed that when I got health insurance I would ask for a prescription for Chantix. And when I went to the doctor last week I did just that. Of course now that my boss has lied about the insurance, I can't afford the stuff. It's fuckin $129 per 4 week dose and it's a 12 week program.

Well I was in a pissy mood yesterday and the Butterfly can't stand for me to be anything but smiles and laughter so he demanded to know what the fuck my problem was. I told him and for the umpteenth time he reached for his wallet. So this pissed me off even more - he always offers to help me out and I always REFUSE. I'm not his responsibility and I don't want material things from him. He calmly asked me if I really wanted to stop smoking and if so as my friend he wanted to help me in any way he could. He told me to take the money I would spend on the cigs and put it in a jar and pay him back if it made me feel better. His only request is that he can harass me during this for shits and giggles. Sometimes I forget what a decent person he is. But I never forget what a sadistic asshole he is.

So I'm sitting here with my first pill about to embark on a major change in my life. Fitting that I do this on the first day of the new year.