Earthy crunchy stuffeths

Well obviously I'm a bad witch as I allowed Ostara to pass by without a mention. Pfffttt. It's alive and well at THIS house!

I've decided I'm going to have a more productive garden this year. A container garden as I live in a condo and only have a porch. Said porch however, gets 5+ hrs of sun each day, with an additional 2-3 hrs in summer. Over the winter I collected various containers to grow stuff in - particularly old 5 gallon paint buckets. The company next door to ours are commercial painters so they have LOTS of those to give away. Had the dudes at work drill some holes in the bottom and voila!

So far I've got lettuce and collards (note my windchimes have to hang from the table as you can't have anything hanging from the ceiling - fucking nazi HOA)..




Strawberries - new for me so we'll see..




Tomatoes - haven't planted them all yet, 2 more buckets to go..




And green beans (bush-style)- which still need some protection.



I'm hoping the spinach and green onions I planted last week will sprout soon. My favorite nursery just opened yesterday and I'll be running there next week for herbs - I must have those every year, as I dry them for use over the winter and to make flavored oil for cooking.

I've been researching container gardening on the web and I think I'm going to try some corn in a 3 sisters style set up. That's corn (which has a shallow root system), beans - but I'll plant peas (use the corn stalks to climb) and squash (which offers coverage to the soil to prevent loss of moisture, weeds and pests. I've seen success with beets and carrots (will use finger size) in containers and I'm going to use recycled plastic milk containers for those. Next week I'll get some peppers as well.

I also need to get some flowers. Usually I stick with marigolds and daisy varieties but I always choose a different color theme each year. I may go with yellow and blue this year.

Starting my gardening has invigorated me as it's supposed to. My porch is my oasis during the spring, summer and fall. I usually sit out there every morning to have my cup of coffee and prepare for the day. Then when I get home I sit out with a drink, a book and my ipod to unwind. Hell I've fallen asleep sitting out there too many times to count. When my friends are over we tend to gravitate there, especially on summer nights because it's cool and it gets you out of the artificial a/c environment.

This is most excellent.

Bonus cute talking Bubba pic.

Decisions, decisions

I stopped giving a fuck what anyone thought about me years ago. I also gave up trying to be nice unless it was relevant to my interests. I also say it like it is and let the chips fall where they may. My longtime friends know this, accept this and love me in spite of it, LOL. (Yes, I'm looking at you Kimmie!)

I also walk away from where I'm not wanted.

I have to make a decision about whether or not I want to remain somewhere a few want me and one does not.

I'm pretty sure what I'm going to do though it hurts my heart to do it.

But my life is too short at this point for me to tiptoe around other people's internal hell, baggage, neuroses and drama. I don't WANT to be anyone's mother/nursemaid/counselor/passive-aggressive litterbox. Life's a fucking bitch and you have to just grow a sack and get the fuck on with it. It's not filled with rainbows and unicorns and if you keep living like it is, you'll never be happy. Shake the shit off and get on with living!

I. Am. Fucking. HAPPY. Right. The. Fuck. NOW!

And I intend to stay this way for as long as the ride lasts.

Musical Interlude #11

Enjoy :)

Duran duran - ordinary world
Uploaded by fuzz59

Lepidoptera

Being a Virgo, I tend to be hyperanalytical, precise, logical and organized, very much an organic computer. I take in information, collate it, cross reference it and then file it away. In my mind I see myself putting the information/experience/feeling in a file folder then in a drawer which zips off to it's virtual file cabinet. On the other hand, at my worst my emotions take over completely and all my careful organization goes down the terlet. I know I'm a neurotic mess, but we all are to some extent or another.

I'm trying to NOT do that with the Butterfly. The very thing I wanted and needed in my life he volunteered for. But he's more than just a fuck buddy and I have far more feelings for him than I should.

Things have been - weird lately and I've tried very hard not to overanalyze it. Not to get all spazzed out and paranoid about it. I'm REALLY GOOD at that even while running my Virgo logic through it's paces simultaneously. He's been more caring, considerate and open. Normally I would run the gamut of "ZOMG he doesn't want me anymore!!!" to "OH SHIT he loves me!". (I'm a freak like that.) Then I beat the histronics down and kept in mind that he's a man, and men are really very simple. I laid it all out and looked at it logically and at face value. Simply put, he thinks about me when I'm not there.

I have realized after a year of this - "thing" that the Butterfly cares for me. For him this is also a step above fuck buddies but nothing more. We're both aware anything else would be an exercise in futility. He treats me decently - I can't describe it any better than that and that's a poor description. He also spoils me and indulges my whims in and out of bed that are in his power to fulfill. I also see how comfortable he is with me. He's who he is, no games, no artifice. Most of all he makes me laugh until I'm purple in the face.

He's told me that I provide him the opportunity to be completely selfish. Selfish is something he isn't used to, something new to him. Bottom line is he's a self-less person who goes above and beyond for just about anyone. He will drive himself to collapse by doing, doing, doing. I give him the complete freedom to say and do whatever he wants, whenever he wants it. All he has to do is reach out - not even ask. He does all this knowing there is no hidden agenda, no payback, no "what have you done for me lately?". He indulges himself and frankly, that brings me great joy.

This pleasure, this simple happiness, this joy is why I will never open myself up to a romantic relationship again with anyone. To have these things partnered with mutual love with someone is - intensely fulfilling. It's that first hill on the Blue Streak rollercoaster at Cedar Point. But it always ends. One way or another, it always ends. And the earth-swallowing void the loss of love leaves behind in you is not worth it to me.

I have no doubt he knows how I really feel about him. He's too intelligent and perceptive not to. But he'll never hear the words from me. Once you put them out there they can't be taken back and they demand a response from the person you gave them to. I don't want to hear his answer. I am selfishly cherishing my never-spoken feelings. I prefer it here where it's safe and joyful, skirting the edges of the void.

Monkey Boy

Well today #3 son LCpl Tyler is 16.

This has been a LONG time coming. I only have 2 years left on my mom sentence.

If ever there was an accidental baby, Tyler would be it. For all intents and purposes my marriage was over, I hated my husband with the heat of a billion suns and was desperately looking for a way out. Of course he wasn't aware of any of this as I played the perfect wife. Like pregnancy #1, the asshole abused me while I was pregnant. When I went to the doctor and found out I was pregnant, I begged them to do the test over - I would have preferred cancer to a baby. Another child only lowered my chances of ever getting out of the hell I was in. But it wasn't to be, and I had what became the most controversial child yet.

Tyler is light enough to pass for white and has blonde hair and green eyes.

Yeah, I got an ass kicking for that one. My ex couldn't accept Tyler's coloring. His parents couldn't accept his coloring. The first time my former father-in-law held him, Tyler had his eyes closed. He said "Ah, look at the little redbone". Tyler opened his eyes and he said "Oh, my. His eyes." (What the fuck kind of statement is that? He isn't fucking Rosemary's Baby!) So for the first couple of years they all kept a close eye on Tyler to see if he looked like anyone else. They weren't shy about their "concerns" and I got so mad once I told them I'd be more than happy to have a paternity test done if they were so certain I was pawning off another man's kid on them. That pretty much shut them up, along with certain physical traits that manifested in Tyler that they all share. Fuckers.

Well things were so tense and so bad that I had a series of 2 nervous breakdowns right after he was born. Checked myself into a nuthouse, checked myself out after 24 hours (I realized I wasn't nutcakes, just fucking tired). I did go into therapy and went on Prozac. Tyler was 2 when the marriage fell completely apart and we divorced.

Blah, blah - joint custody. Blah, blah - no child support. Blah, blah - ex moved back to Ohio with his girlfriend. Blah, blah - oldest 2 went to live with the asshole cuz mom had to move us all to the 'hood and they were no longer suburbanites. But I kept Tyler. He's MY child.

The rest I've told at some point or another. We moved here to VA with the dead husband. Dead husband was the only father Tyler knew. Dead husband died. Tyler lost his mind for awhile. The Marines have knocked some sense into him. Things are markedly better.

I guess most of what I want to say is that Tyler is mine. 100% without question MY CHILD. I've made some horrible mistakes with him, but there are moments when I see the things I've tried to instill in him shine through. He has a very dry, very sharp sense of humor that comes from me. He can be very kind, generous and loving when the teenage angst is on the back burner. He doesn't have any prejudices that I can see. He's extremely competitive (another of my traits) especially if it's something he really likes. Most of all, and what I'm most proud of, is that Tyler is a feminist. Over the years he has said several times that "girls can do anything I can do except pee standing up, and I guess they can do that but their aim wouldn't be the same". Take THAT bitches!

Unfortunately, he has a temper that he can't control as well as he needs to in order to succeed in life. MCJROTC has helped some, but it's still there simmering under the surface. If there is one thing I wish for my son, it's that he learns to control that temper. I see difficult times for him if he doesn't.

So Happy Birthday Monkey Boy! Mommy loves you so much!

Musical Interlude #10 (FUNK not for the faint of heart)

I'm 'bout to hip ya'll to some SERIOUS FUCKING NASTY STANK FUNKY ROCK SHIT right now. Nadir is DA MAN and just..just damn. I've been followin' mah boy for a couple years and just..damn





Now I ain't diggin' the video for "Slave" all that much, but I didn't want to put up just a mp3. And "Slave" is the fuckin JAM! But here's the deal with this brotha: very politically active, married to his baby mama (and they have a BROOD) and has been promoting and selling his stuff WITHOUT benefit of a major record label. His album "Distorted Soul" has a HEAVY rotation on my iPod.

The next song "Sanctified" just gets me wet and horny. The funk is THAT THICK.

On peanuts, birthdays and regrets

22 years ago today I gave birth to #2 son, Sean.

I think I've said before that he's my favorite, if parents are allowed to have favorites. During the period of my horrendous first marriage there was a lull in the drama when I loved my husband. There was little abuse, he was the charming, funny, sexy, fun man I thought I had married 6 yrs prior. Out of that brief oasis Sean was conceived and came into this world very much loved.

He's the most sensitive of my boys. He's also very quiet, very observant. He's most like me truth be told. He also looks like me. He's the one I bestowed my Irish heritage on with his name. Like his mother, he also holds his anger in and let's it seethe until it comes rolling out like thunder. He also holds and nurses resentment and revenge until the point he can unleash it on whoever has wronged him.

Sean has had the roughest go as well. In 1998 he chose to move with his older brother back to Ohio with their father. Suffice it to say his father did nothing remotely responsible as a parent, culminating in his getting drunk, taking a loaded 45 and threatening Sean with it. A month before the dead husband died I got a call out of the blue from Sean saying he had been placed in a halfway house because his father had been arrested for attempted murder. The dead husband and I prepared for Sean's arrival (he wasn't quite 18), the dead husband died and Sean came to live with me and LCpl Tyler.

Sadly, the time he spent with his father nurtured a heart wrenching laziness in Sean that I can't shake him out of. I don't subscribe to admitting regrets in life like many people do. However, not being there to raise my son during the important years of his life IS a regret I admit to.

My wish for my favored son is that he finds his place in life and puts all his effort into making the most of it. I wish that he would ask questions more and not continue to internalize the fuck-all shit his father filled him with. Of all 3, Sean is the oldest soul.

Happy Birthday, Peanut. Mommy loves you.