Musical Interlude #6 (for the manic depressive in all of us)

My life is manic depression personified. Love Jimi. Love this song.





In keeping with the "ups n' downs", enjoy mah boyz. Bonus Beavis and Butthead.

This is what happens when you let colored folks in the white house

My mother got cable tv. This is like, well it's one of those things where EVERYONE just stopped and went slack-jawed. My mother is 83 and she has NEVER had cable tv. Ever. The only reason my techno age kids knew what rabbit ears were is because Grandma had them and you had to fuck with them to watch tv at her house. But the national switch from analog to digital forced her to get cable (she cannot miss the 6 o'clock news or life will cease to exist). It also forced her to buy a new tv. HD no less. She's had the same tv since I lived with her 29 YEARS AGO.

I blame the election of a black man. Our very foundations are crumbling.

Next, my son the drama whore is back with his old girlfriend. Apparently he got rid of the Sabra that told him "we can't ever get married, you're black, my family will kill me". Um, yeah. Like I told him. WTF? This ain't West Side Story dood. But no, he gave up the girl that has stuck with him through thick and thin for almost 5 years for a piece of foreign tail. Even PFC Tyler told him he was an idiot. But he came over for Thanksgiving dinner today with Christina in tow. The heavens opened up. Oh, if you hadn't realized - Christina passes the "She's Acceptable as a Daughter-in-Law" test with me.

Next he informed me that he had slowly been working on starting his own business (which I had been telling him to do for like, forever). He showed me his website and again I was slack-jawed. DOOD HAS HIS OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!!!

Again, I blame it all on the election of Barack Obama. Making all these colored folks all uppity n' shit. Thinking they can actually have a piece of the American Dream. An old black woman getting cable and HD tv. A young black dood who only wanted to work to buy weed starting this own legitimate business. Truly we have reached the end of days.

My Thanksgiving couldn't get any better!

One Pack of Marlboro's please and hold the Lonely Heart

I'm trying really hard to be nice to people lately.

It seems that everyone around me has decided I need someone in my life. (Except Kimmie, she has good sense.) I've been separated for an acceptable amount of time, perhaps I should start dating again.

Um.

No.

"There are some great dating sites out there, try one." "If you'd get out more you'd meet some interesting people." "Surely there are single men where you live, just step up and start talking." "You're outgoing, so go out!"

WTF? Do I look like Ms Lonely Heart? It's the quitting smoking thing, isn't it? The look of desperation and madness you see is the neverending want for a cigarette - not a man.

Look, I am not interested in taking on the responsibility of someone else's emotional well being. I like not worrying about if another person is happy, upset, having their needs met. Really. Cross my heart. I like the arrangement I have now. I like living in the absolute moment as it happens to fall with the red-headed man. In fact I'd like another one of him to cover his down time. Seriously.

I've said never and I really shouldn't. The cosmos has a way of saying "ORLY?" BAM! "There's your *never* bitch!" It would be better to say "Not consciously seeking a partner or companion". I'm really looking forward to just being Greer. Alone.

now playing on my iPod "Janie's Got A Gun" Aerosmith

The Great "Assmitten Experiment" or "Yes, I still have shit in boxes"

Teh Viagra is a LIE CAKE!

For women that is. This woman in particular. Ok, so the damn pills were just too old and didn't do SHIT for me and now I'm pissed.

The sex was still TEH MOSTEST AWESOME, but I was reaching for the eyes rolling back up in my head kind. Didn't happen. But I got laid so there's that, yes?

So how did I come to eat the little blue pill? I lay the blame SQUARELY at the feet of Assmitten. She just HAD to mention her experience with the blue pill and how "interesting" it was that I was all about copycat-dom. And really, I've always been about chemical experimentation except if it involved needles or applying heat to coke. So what the hell, right?

The dead husband had a script for 'em which he never finished (he's the DEAD husband, duh) and I found 'em buried in a pile o' shit I hadn't gone through. Yes, he's been dead almost 4 years, I've been in the new condo for as long and I still have shit in boxes - fuck you too. So in light of what I now refer to as the "ASSMITTEN EXPERIMENT" I took half of one before the Butterfly came over tonite.

All I have to show for that little dealie is a killer headache. Fortunately that came on long after the sex and after-sex comedy hour, but we are disappointed nonetheless.

Going forward, we shall rely upon the old standby's - likker and dope.

now playing on my iPod "She's Got You" - Patsy Cline

The Junkie's Gospel

Yes, "coochie on lockdown" is back. I'm sorry, I love that avatar and could care less if it's offensive to anyone.

I've been all edgy the past few days. But edgy under the surface, not outside. Something's going down - unfortunately it ain't me. I don't know what it is but my skin is almost crawling.

I'm obsessing over shit too. Well that's actually normal for me. Like right now I'm on a Tom Jones jag and a blue jag. All Tom Jones music All the Time and All Blue Clothing All the Time. I'm also hopping from fav blogs to fav forums and back again all damn day. I do know I need to go on a coffee detox soon too. The green tea and the cranberry juice are flushing all kinds of nasty poisons from years of smoking. (Yes, I'm extremely in tune with my body, little gets past me.)

Maybe it's just the quitting smoking thing. The cravings are still infrequent, but when I get them - I GET THEM. It's like coked out pms or something. They say when you're detoxing and going through withdrawal from the serious drugs you feel this way. Like you could literally jump out of your skin. I've had actual reformed junkies tell me this so I kinda take it as gospel. Nicotine is the only thing I've ever been addicted to and this is the only time I've seriously tried to kick it, so..

I still can't get over my self-control in all this. I HAVE NOT HAD A CIGARETTE IN 2 FUCKING WEEKS BITCHES! Not even a hard, stale, burnt out butt. NOTHING! But if whatever is brewing doesn't break soon I WILL jump out of my skin.

Now where is that red-headed man when I need him....


now playing on my iPod "It's Not Unusual" Tom Jones

Every Picture Tells A Story

I bought a new digital camera and I'm SO excited! It's not as expensive and fancy-schmancy as the old one from the era of the dead husband, but I can take PICTURES!! YIPPEE!!!

The thing I love about digital cameras is you can take a bazillion pictures and never have to spend a DIME on developing them. I can't tell you the number of rolls of film I've lost because I either forgot to take them in or I was too broke to have them developed.

Now I can take a pic of the Butterfly for posterity. I'll never post 'em but I'll have 'em. Unfortunately he won't agree to any pron pics, but that's ok too. I can also take more pics of my kids, Miss Poo and well, EVERYTHING. YAY!!


now playing on my iPod "I Fall to Pieces" Patsy Cline

My sad place (today)

Obama Election Spurs Race Crimes Around Country

This is the commentary Mr. Davis posted on the Soul Patrol mailing list about the news story above:

"I realize that this is off topic. I should probably be more focused on writing album reviews this morning...

However I find this Associated Press article to be extremely disturbing. This kinda stuff goes way beyond being a "sore loser" in an election.

-- What is more disturbing is that our current "leadership" (i.e.: President Bush) has not said anything condemning this activity.

-- Where is the voice of the "loyal opposition" on this topic, that I have been hearing the Republicans talking so much on TV in the past week?

-- Even the silence of the so called "Black Republicans" is deafening, perhaps they too are sitting in silent support of this kind of activity?

Perhaps these folks have spoken out and condemned this activity, and I missed it?

If McCain had won, would Black Americans be doing similar things?

I don't know the answers to these questions, I'm just asking them...

(cultural change isn't always an easy thing)"


Then today on my fav Sim site the resident douchebag posted a couple of extremely racist photoshopped pics of the Prez-elect. ONE person responded to this..ONE. The owner of the forum so far has refused to ban this person because it will cause HIM inconvenience. I love that place but I think I'm gonna have to not visit there anymore. I won't be missed at all as I'm mostly a lurker, but I'll miss the goodies for the game they make. But I can't patronize somewhere that racism is allowed to stand.

My country has done such a wonderful thing. We've taken such a HUGE step forward. The only good that can come from the resurgence of this type of racism is fewer people will tolerate it and stand up and say ENOUGH.

Short-timer's disease

This morning is a sort of premonition morning for me. It's one of those rare mornings when I wake up and I'm the only person in the house. Have been all night. Sean's out who-knows-where and PFC Tyler is spending the night at a friend's. I'm all alone except for the cats.

It's a strange feeling.

I've been someone's wife or mother for over 25 years - actual aloneness doesn't compute. There's always been someone there who needed something, wanted something or just had to be looked out for. Right now there's only me to worry about. How weird.

Last night wasn't as strange, I've gotten used to the boys being out for the evening and being here alone. So I kicked back with a movie, a joint (not a cigarette) and a glass of wine. Of course the trained domestic servant in me also managed to cook a pot of red beans, a pot of chili and roast a chicken so I would have most of next week's dinner's already done. All while starting on my kitchen reorganization.

I'll admit I did most of that because I was all excited about getting my first free piece of cookware from the local grocery store. You get stamps for every $10 purchase and I FINALLY had enough to get the casserole I wanted. Yes, I'm a dweeb but you gotta grab your happiness wherever you can get it. Besides, I need new cookware.

Anywho, at one point I looked over at the livingroom and mentally began redecorating it to MY personal taste - sans anyone. Basically it involved all existing furniture except the electronics - gotta keep my stereo and surround sound - being burned in a bonfire while the new paint dried on the walls. (I'm nothing if not detailed in my fantasies.) Yes, I was temporarily transported out of this time and into a future that required no immediate responsibilites from me.

And I fucking LOVED IT.

Now that's the weirdest part. Sorta. I dunno. I started feeling the empty nest thing about 2 yrs ago when I realized my sentence as a parent would be over before I was 50. Now I will be free in 2.5 years when PFC Tyler turns 18 and graduates from high school. And I think I'm beginning to get the I'M FREE vibe. Like short-timer's disease when you give your 2 wks notice at work.

Unfortunately, these next 2.5 years will be the hardest. I have to keep PFC Tyler off drugs (and he's clean as the tests from the doctor showed), I have to keep him from getting some girl pregnant, keep him out of jail and graduate him from high school. That's a LOT of shit to manage when you only have peripheral control. But when it's all over, I can put his shit out of my house and change the locks and be FREE of day-to-day parentude. You're never free of motherhood, but it's easier when they're grown and it's done from a distance.

Once all this is over I'm going to treat myself to a trip to Ireland. I can use the money I'm saving from quitting smoking to fund it.

Life will be good.

Musical Interlude #5

Mah boyz. They never let me down. G'nite!

Musical Interlude #4

Because I'm kinda manic depressive this evening. Guess which way I'm swinging now?

Musical Interlude #3

I saw him in concert when I was little. Women really did throw their panties on the stage. Wild shit to a 9 yr old.

2 beers and 1 swiss mushroom burger later

Well today is not a good one at all.

I am obsessed with smoking a cigarette because I'm stressed out and that cigarette would relieve some of that stress. The stress is mostly sexual but that's another post entirely.

Of course, I realize this is a complete lie and that smoking while stressed is a learned habit I need to un-learn.

But that doesn't help the fact that I WANT A CIGARETTE NAO!

All of this of course leads me to ponder why the hell I don't have this much self-control over the REST of my life?

It certainly isn't limited to control over the physical - I've been whining to myself for 6 months I need to start walking again and yet here I still sit.

I KNOW I have no control over the emotional - 3 marriages and an affair with a married man are evidence of that.

So I have to apply myself to discovering what the deal is. And hopefully once I figure it out I can use it in OTHER areas of my life which desperately need it.


now playing on my iPod "Grind" Alice in Chains

Oral fixations or how I'm gaining 900 lbs

I have nfc how I'm managing to continue quitting smoking.

That's not to say that I don't have SERIOUS MAJOR MIND NUMBING cravings, but somehow I manage to get through them. I haven't smoked a cigarette in almost a week. That is amazing to me.

I realized I needed to adjust the times I take the Chantix though. 5am is just too early as it starts to wear off by 1pm and I don't get the second pill til about 4:30pm. So today I waited til about 7am and the afternoon went smoother. I still get a mild headache everyday which a single aspirin seems to relieve.

I will however, weigh at least 900lbs by the time I quit. I really have problems with the oral thing. I have lollipops and all but I think the eating is making up for the not smoking. Well duh, yeah it is. Sucking the Butterfly's dick is only going so far to satisfy that oral fixation, but he's all about "helping the cause in any way he can". Dweeb.

You're also supposed to change your routines around if they involved smoking. However I was reading on the quitting cold turkey site that wasn't wise. Even after you quit you'll still have certain routines you associate with smoking and that could cause you to start again. That made complete sense to me, so rather than change the routines I just modified them somewhat. That not smoking after eating though is a BITCH - especially since I'm a human garbage disposal right now.

The vivid dreams are still there, add to that the fucking night sweats from perimenopause and the enhanced insomnia and I'm a mess. But I'm a healthier mess. Did I mention I may go back to being a vegetarian when this is over? I felt at my healthiest in life back then. We'll see. Have to do it slowly.

I will say this, I celebrated the Esbat by myself last night and it was an intense experience. I felt CLEANER inside and that made a MAJOR difference in the magic. It flowed much freer and even carried through to today. Very, very cool.

now playing on my iPod "Stigmata Martyr" Abney Park

Suicide is going to be the death of me

So since I've been on Chantix it appears my loved ones have me on suicide watch.

Blink.

From the official site (and the script insert):

Some patients have had changes in behavior, agitation, depressed mood, and suicidal thoughts or actions while using CHANTIX to help them quit smoking.

So everyday I get asked by my loved ones "are you ok?" "how do you feel?" and from the Butterfly "so, you gonna kill yourself today?".

Can you feel the love here?

Now to be honest, I realize where they are getting this over zealous concern from - a discussion I've had with each of them at some time over the years. The "I believe that a person has the right to end their own life when they feel they're ready to go."

Yeah I know. Gets the Western sensibilities in a snarl.

I also know how fucked up I was after the dead husband died and those that went through that with me were extremely concerned about my mental well being. Rightly so because frankly, if I hadn't had PFC Tyler I would have offed myself. The needs of my kid have kept me alive, not some twisted love of life. The Butterfly didn't know me then so I have nfc what his malfunction is. Speaking of which he's on the phone now asking me how I'm doing and telling me how proud of me he is and some sexually deviant stuff, lol. Jeebus, do I come across as a fucking psychopath or something???

So how did I come to the conclusion that suicide is acceptable? Well meet my Aunt Connie (circa 1956).



My aunt was one of the women who helped raise me. She was also the first professional female in our family. Extremely smart, fiercely independent, defiantly feminist. She and my uncle Curtis had no children, so my cousin Debbie and I became "hers". Shortly before she retired, my uncle moved to TN and they were officially separated. About 6 months after her retirement, my aunt died of an overdose. It was ruled an accident, but we know what happened.

Connie was ill towards the end of her life. She was also lost after retiring - her career was her LIFE. Add to that the strain of her 30 yr marriage ending and she was just - tired of living. I can get with that. I can UNDERSTAND that. I can respect that. I was 15 at the time and understood that. The money she left me funded my first 2 years of college. She inspired me to be a hard-nosed professional.

The thing my loved ones can't seem to get is that I am not suicidal. I'm groovin along with life now. No, it was NOT GOOD when Danny died but life does go on. I've learned to enjoy the little bright spots of happiness you get even if they're few and far between. So everyday I have to tell them to get a grip, stop freaking out and relax. I'm not planning on going anywhere, damn I'm trying to quit smoking, DUH!

Yes, I know all the arguments about suicide: it's selfish, it's cowardly, it's illegal, it means you have issues that need to be shrink-ified. No, it's NONE of those things. It's a personal choice that should be respected and accepted.

But I still believe it's an individual's right to end their life when they want. And if or when I ever decide it's my time, I will.


now playing on my iPod "Touch of Grey" Grateful Dead

What's long and needs to be sucked to stay hot?

I really don't think my bathroom can get any cleaner that it is right now.

And I want a cigarette SO FUCKING BAD I can't stand it. It's the only thing on my mind. And I sit here surfing the net and reach over like I'm gonna find a pack to grab a smoke and there's NOTHING THERE. I also watched "Pitch Black" (damn Vin Diesel is FOINE!) and "Elizabeth".

I read how cranberry juice is good to flush the nicotine out of your system, so I got some of that and some lollipops and some cinnamon sticks and cut up some carrots and celery to take to work tomorrow and I'm going nuts cuz I want a FUCKING CIGARETTE.

So today I've managed to wash every single piece of clothing I own, all the linens, all the throw rugs, all the towels - anything in my house that was dirty is now clean. All I can smell is clorox, I didn't use the Method today it was DEATH TO ALL GERMS suffer like I AM!!

I also managed to make a pot roast which is slowly simmering in the crock pot, chocolate chip cookies, blueberry muffins and yeast rolls. They say you peak at your nicotine withdrawal at around 72 hours. They lie.

FEAR ME I AM SUZY FUCKING HOMEMAKER IN NEED OF A NICOTINE FIX!!!

And it's only 7:30pm. And I've had a migrane since Friday.

Sigh.

Clawing and scratching

I really have no idea how I'm going to quit smoking.

Today is my first official smoke free day and I'm ready to claw the skin off my body.

I've tried to keep busy - I made chicken noodle soup from scratch, I washed clothes, I watched a couple old movies I haven't seen since I was a child, I argued with my sliding-back-into-delinquency son, I took a nap, I sat outside - AND IT'S NOT EVEN FUCKING 6 PM!!!!

I managed not to dig through the trash and find a butt to smoke, I REALLY managed not to go out and buy a fucking pack of smokes either.

I can get through the need to smoke impulses so far, it's the physical withdrawal that is hell. And this is ONLY day one. And I can't call the Butterfly so he can make me laugh and forget this shit for awhile and that sux.

Now I have to figure out how I'm going to get through the next 4-5 hrs. Let alone the next 11 weeks.

Sigh.

Where I ponder if this is what ass tastes like

Tomorrow is my official last day of smoking. My quit date.

I'm not sure how that's going to work. The Chantix is definitely working as I don't get the "high" or "euphoria" from smoking. When I do drag out those times between cigs though the physical reactions are a bitch. I realize I'm going to suffer MASSIVE withdrawal symptoms over the next few weeks as my body isn't affected by the drug. I already know how it's going to feel and it's got me pretty nervous. I am finding that the taste of the cigs is (what I imagine) ass to taste like and more than 3 puffs gives me a headache. Interesting.

More than anything, I have to change my habits. After 25+ yrs of having a cup of coffee and a cig in the morning THAT is going to be hard. I tried this morning and I was all discombobulated.

The Butterfly was all nice and sweet and tried to be helpful when I told him how fucked up I was feeling. He suggested I take a quick walk when I needed a "cig break", or find something else to distract me. So far he hasn't teased me to the point of insanity but it's coming, I can see him gearing up. Of course like a doofus I agreed to let him get his jollies at my expense, but meh, I couldn't do this without his help. And then after having a stressful day thinking I was going to enjoy the EXTREMELY RARE AND ELUSIVE evening with him, I got cockblocked by my period. That just pissed me off to no end so here I sit alone smoking what was supposed to be my LAST pack of cigarettes - you know, the ones that now taste like ASS - instead of doing the dirty with a red-headed man. Sigh.

Despite an all around fucked up day I'm still committed to quitting. And I'm trying to not be depressed about the fifty gabillion things that are wrong with my life. Sometimes it really is all about taking it one fucking day at a time. I'm glad this one is almost over.

No doubt there will be some fresh hell waiting for me tomorrow.

now playing on my iPod "Winter: Allegro Non Molto" Vivaldi

A closure to disenfranchisement

I had like 2 or 3 long-winded posts on the election of Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States of America, but I'm tired.

Happy tired, relief tired, proud tired.

So just click HERE as it says all I have to say and feel right now.

Thank you my fellow Americans.

DannyDoon

Tis the dead husband.

Danny and I met online on Prodigy back in '95. He was the.funniest.man.alive. I was separated from the asshole, he was divorced from the slut and between us we had 5 kids. I lived in Florida, he lived here in Virginia. When he finally got up the nerve to call me on the phone I melted. That deep, southern drawl (sigh).

Danny was also 14 yrs my senior. He'd been raised in Louisville, left there at 17, began studying with the FBI until he was drafted to Vietnam. While in the war, he was an MP stationed in Germany. After the war, he returned to VA and became a DC police officer and eventually a robbery detective. He took early retirement, stayed home one year and then began his career as a US Marshall.

Danny liked to pretend to be the stereotypical goober. He had the look and the voice that convinced people he was fresh off the hay wagon and he used it to his advantage throughout his career and in social situations. Once you got to know him however, you realized this was an extremely intelligent man, kind to the bone with a wicked sense of humor.

At one point after my divorce, my oldest 2 children decided they wanted to live with their father. I used that as an opportunity to get the hell out of shitty ass Florida. I called Danny, told him I wanted to come up to VA. He asked one question - "How many of the boys are coming with you?". Only one, PFC Tyler (who was 5 at the time). We took the bus up here and never left.

Danny opened his home to a woman he (barely) knew, had only met once, that had a 5 year old kid (his were almost grown) and had all of 1 suitcase, 2 backpacks and a boxed up computer to her name.

But he was her best friend and he loved her. That was all that mattered.

To my husband I was the most precious thing in the world. He treated me as an equal, encouranged my 2nd climb up the corporate ladder, cared for my son and made me laugh every single day we were together. He was the kindest, most decent person I'd ever met in my life. Everything he gave me, I returned to him tenfold.

He gave me back my confidence and my self-respect after 15 years of being abused by my ex-husband. He gave me security and peace. He allowed me to become the woman I am today by just loving me and letting me be me. Never judgemental. Always giving.

We lived together for about 6 years. Neither one of us was interested in marriage again. But he also told me he couldn't marry me because it would break his mother's heart for him to marry a black woman. I understood and respected that and let it slide, as I understood the mindset of his mother's generation. I was happy and life was truly tooling along beautifully.

Eventually that did begin to grind on me. For all intents and purposes we were married and I'm actually old-fashioned enough that a piece of paper did matter. I told him that if he died, his ex-wife would have me and PFC Tyler put on the street and there would be nothing I could do about it as VA doesn't recognize common-law marriage. He chewed on that for about a month and proposed. We got married 30 days later.

He died 6 months after that.

I can pinpoint the exact moment I grew up and became an adult. It was that day in January while he was in the hospital on life support and I crawled up into bed beside him. I knew he was gone and I was alone.

I met his sister and his mother for the first time the day before his funeral. His mother ran up and grabbed me and hugged me. She said, "I'm sorry he didn't marry you sooner. I know it was my fault. He told me he thought it would kill me, that I couldn't handle it. I'm glad he stood up to me and married you. My son loved you and you were the best thing in his life."

My husband was far from handsome as you can see. His beauty was within.

Danny brought out the real person I am. He saw behind the smart-ass, tough-girl exterior. He taught me it's OK to be myself. That I don't have to pretend to be anything else to protect myself. (Domestic abuse is a lifetime of emotional injury.) He taught me to see the good in other people - all the things my family had instilled in me, he unlocked.

Most of all, he showed me that I was worthy of being loved.

I miss him every single day of my life.


now playing on my iPod "Crazy Love" Van Morrison

Disgustingly non-pc yet freakishly appropos - part deux

I am beyond an idiot retard.

When the dead husband died, I took a boatload of personal items over to Kimmie's house because his children were trying to fleece me of anything owed me as his wife.

Well I managed to keep my computer (which was brand spanking new and SPECIFICALLY for gaming) along with the color printer and the 2 scanners. I let Kimmie have the new scanner for everything she had done for me during that time and she needed one. My friggin printer hasn't worked for shit, I think it got damaged in the move, so I've been printer-less.

So today Kimmie comes over and I give her this stack of pics to scan for me. She says "Why don't you use your scanner?" I tell her I have nfc how to use it or where the plugs are. She gives me this weird ass look and says "Um, your scanner has been riding around in my trunk for like 4 years, along with your printer."

*Blink*

Apparently she didn't understand that I was GIVING her the scanner back then so she never opened it. And I had completely forgotten I got a free printer when we bought this rig.

Today was Yule, Christmas, Birthday, Gimme-it's-Mine-Day all rolled into one. I have a fresh out of the box color scanner (squee!) and a fresh out of the box color printer (double squee!). All because I'm an idiot.

Really, the decades of pot had to have killed a significant number of brain cells. I can't think of what else it could be except the early onset of dementia, which is highly possible. How the hell could I have completely forgotten this? And how fucking COOL is my best friend? (Who will be stalking Hillary Clinton for an autograph tomorrow at a rally at GMU.)

**EDIT** I didn't need this scanner. I've been up since 5am scanning damn near every fucking picture in this house. I'm batshit insane.

Disgustingly non-pc yet freakishly appropos

I am an idiot retard.

I have been running around since my birthday in August saying I'm 48.

I'M FUCKING 47 !!!!!!

So what caused me to come to this realization? Everyone keeps talking about Obama's age. And I knew the man was only 16 days older than me. So when they keep saying he's 47 I kept going WTF? So today after reading that again, I decided to like, get out a calculator and do the math (as I iz mathmatikally challenged).

I'M FUCKING 47 !!!!!!

I still have a few years to go!!!

Woo me!

Although it begs the question how much of my mind is actually gone if I didn't know this like, automatically. Those pot decades must have been brutal to my brain cells.

Peruvian Shamans gather for Obama

Ok, I find this INCREDIBLY cool. But it probably freaks the white folks and unenlightened out.

On personal challenges and decent people

Today I begin one of the greatest personal challenges of my life.

I'm going to quit smoking.

I've been smoking since I was about 12. Marlboro reds. Yeah, hardcore (ok, at least they have a filter!) 2-3 packs a day. So that's about 36 years of killing myself. I smoked during all 3 pregnancies, although with the 1st the ex tried to keep me from smoking by taking the cigs when he left for work. So I smoked the butts in the ashtrays. I'm an addict, I know. I didn't even try to pretend with the next 2.

I did manage to quit once. I had pneumonia. My body basically told my brain FUCK YOU we need OXYGEN or we will DIE. When I felt better I immediately went back to smoking.

Knowing myself, quitting would never happen without medical intervention. I can't honestly say that even if I was diagnosed with lung cancer or had to drag around an oxygen tank I would quit. It's too much a part of me now and I am weak.

I vowed that when I got health insurance I would ask for a prescription for Chantix. And when I went to the doctor last week I did just that. Of course now that my boss has lied about the insurance, I can't afford the stuff. It's fuckin $129 per 4 week dose and it's a 12 week program.

Well I was in a pissy mood yesterday and the Butterfly can't stand for me to be anything but smiles and laughter so he demanded to know what the fuck my problem was. I told him and for the umpteenth time he reached for his wallet. So this pissed me off even more - he always offers to help me out and I always REFUSE. I'm not his responsibility and I don't want material things from him. He calmly asked me if I really wanted to stop smoking and if so as my friend he wanted to help me in any way he could. He told me to take the money I would spend on the cigs and put it in a jar and pay him back if it made me feel better. His only request is that he can harass me during this for shits and giggles. Sometimes I forget what a decent person he is. But I never forget what a sadistic asshole he is.

So I'm sitting here with my first pill about to embark on a major change in my life. Fitting that I do this on the first day of the new year.