A woman walks into a pharmacy..

So I had this really great time last weekend with the PillPusher. A very VERY lovely dinner on Friday. I don't know that I've ever been on a first date that went so effortlessly. Brilliant conversation. Hilarity overload. Comfortable silences.

And he's tall. Oh yes he is. He's TALL.

This was followed with a beautiful afternoon Saturday at his home in the wilds of Spotsylvania County. Far more hilarity ensued fueled by copious amounts of wine. Far more than was planned or expected saw the late afternoon sun dip behind the trees and dusk rise.

The plan was to cook dinner together. I wasn't allowed to help. I was made to sit at the table, drink more than was acceptable and regale him with the frivolities of my life. Dinner was served with the story of his.

The next morning I was awakened to the smell of fresh coffee. Just roasted beans brewed in a french press. A breakfast of leftovers. A mid-morning nap.

I like this man. I like this man a lot. He's damaged goods like me. He wants quiet like me. He wants intimacy like me. He wants companionship.

He can give me what the Butterfly never can.

He's gone for Thanksgiving. Previous plans to be with his family. That's ok. Gives us time to think. He called from the road today and I told him I missed him. He reminded me that I wanted this time apart. He promised that the frantic pace where he works would be over before christmas. That he would expect time with me then.

Funny that. Someone wanting time with me.

Filling a Prescription

Tis been forever it seems since I've put fingers to keyboard.

Knitting has become a lifestyle. I've been making the Butterfly a sweater and it has truly turned into the Sweater From Hell. Just as I finally thought I could block it this weekend, I noticed that the sleeves aren't quite right. Well one sleeve to be specific. So I've had to frog it down 3/4 of the way. Sigh.

The good news is I've gotten almost all my other holiday projects finished. I had planned on blocking things all weekend but that's been unexpectedly delayed.

I have a date.

A date you say? When did this happen? Don't you have a friend with benefits? Arent' you just not interested in anyone? Who the fuck is this guy?

Hmm. Answers later. Perhaps. He shall forthwith be known as the PillPusher. Will this become serious? Trust me, my own inquiring mind wants to know. So far he seems normal, has little to no baggage (read: NO DAMN KIDS), makes a decent living, owns his own home and is also NOT interested in EVER tying the knot with ANYONE. On the surface those pretty much put him into the "we can work with this" category. Plus he's educated, witty, well read and has a firm command of the English language, both written and oral.

Clearly there's something wrong with him that I have yet to uncover. I don't have this kind of luck with men.

I just wonder how the hell I'm going to juggle two of them, lol.

While digging through the remnants of prescriptions past

Of course I've done jack-all with my room or the house since painting. LCpl Tyler and his buddie are scheduled to paint the rest this weekend. It's only costing me 2 tix to "G-I Joe". Whatta bargain.

My tooth is back to infection mode. After an entire day of attempting to coordinate a preemptive strike on not being able to eat, I went to the new walk in clinic across the street and got a script for amoxicillin. I'm flush with anger over my whole healthcare issue and I'm gathering my thoughts to post on that another day.

The Butterfly cut out a HUGE swatch of time to devote to me. How many people actually realize how valuable that is in this day and age? We're consumed with so much shit that time is precious. For someone to just stop everything they're doing and give you their time is quite flattering. It's also something only a friend would do and he's that more than anything.

He made me feel pretty - I know I'm not supposed to base my self of steam on what a man thinks of me but I'd be lying if I denied it so there it is. I ran out and got my nails, toes and eyebrows done later. It was a double pick me up and you have to take what you can when you can. Actually I'd put the nails off til I finished painting so I wouldn't ruin them. Feeling all rosy and warm inside just made me drag my ass out to do it.

Some nice convos with some nice people I've only talked to in passing. Common ground, shared outlooks, good stuff. Reminder from the Sims forum I frequent that I have an unfinished sweater to knit. I should do that before the winter so I can wear it. Well when I go back to the doctor and she lets me get the Chantix script (again) to stop smoking (again) I'll pick up the needles. Good to keep my hands busy.

Kimmie's grandfather died and she's not handling it well. She's never had a family member die and it's hard for her. What do you say at times like this? Nothing except I'm sorry and what can I do for you. I remember that when Danny died. Anything else someone says is worthless. Nothing you can say to a loss like that that will help.

So I'll force myself to get my room in order this weekend just like I forced myself to paint it. If I don't drive myself it will never get done. I know what I want, now I have to DO EET.

My birthday is coming up soon. I'm fighting the depression that will inevitably set in as I face getting older and older. Right now I'm not feeling that "you're not getting older, you're getting better" bullshit.

Breathe in, breathe out

So I got a call from my BFF today asking if I could pick her up from the hospital and take her home as she was being discharged. Her partner couldn't pick her up as she was in meetings all day and couldn't get there til after 7pm and she wanted to go HOME. Well of course I'd get her. She's my FUCKING BFF.

On the ride home, the truth came out. Her partner is actually at home. She didn't go to work, she went to the doctor to get more fucking drugs and was drugged up. A way to make even Kimmie's homecoming all about her - not Kimmie.

Over the weekend I tried to keep cool when talking to Kimmie on the phone. I had no desire to hear about how "wonderful" her partner was being coming to visit her everyday (Right, but I'm the only one you could depend on when the shit hit the fan). Asking her "how this happened" (While you were passed out from all your prescription drugs). How "worried" she was about her (Guilt is a MOTHER FUCKER BITCH). How this looked like it was going to be the "breakthrough" in healing their relationship (Not in this lifetime, Kimmie).

I tried to keep cool and not point out what a cunt her partner is. She was in the psych ward fer chrissakes and I didn't want to upset her more than she already was.

So on the ride home, Kimmie began to get distraught again. She knew what was going to be waiting for her. She knew that she was just walking back into hell. I told her I couldn't come in and see her partner because I couldn't condone what she was doing to her. I helped her with her stuff and sure enough, there she was passed out in the chair.

I can't do more for her. She's got to love herself enough to get out.

I just worry what form that exit will take.

Unselfish selfishness

I got a call from my BFF today asking if I could drive her to the hospital. She was going to check herself in to the psych ward.

So naturally, I told her of course I would and to call me when she wanted me to come over to the house to pick her up. I'd leave work and would be there for whatever she needed.

Instead of her, I got a call from her shrink asking me to come get her. She wasn't in a state to drive. I dropped everything and sped off to the shrink's office.

I got there to find my BFF curled up in the fetal position on the couch. Suffice it to say, I got her to the hospital and checked in.

Now I'm ready to find her "partner" and rip her a new one.

Kimmie has always been one of the most balanced people I know. I really credit not offing myself after the dead husband died to her calm, practical, honest strength during that time. When I went on a fuck-fest a year later, she let me get it out of my system and let me cry on her shoulder. When I went on a drinking binge, she reminded me I had to sober up. When I went to jail, she bailed me out.

I died a lot inside seeing her like that today.

I've always known she was in a dysfunctional relationship. Her partner is a non-practicing catholic who is in denial of her homosexuality. She has self-esteem and self-image issues. She shows Kimmie NO affection and they haven't been intimate for years. Everything is about HER. It's killing my best friend and I HAVE NOW HAD ENOUGH.

I've respected Kimmie's relationship, her feelings for this bitch, her co-dependency and her enabling. I guess about a month ago I finally let it all out and told her how I felt about what I'd been seeing. Kimmie knows it and her shrink had finally gotten her to think about HERSELF for a change. Really all of this is the slow death of a fucked up relationship and the near death of one of the partners.

My loyalty lies with my best friend. Not the cunt who is killing her.



Oh yeah, and it's Beltaine.

Danger, Will Robinson!

i am posting all kinds of fucked up. I'm not kidding. I haven't been this crispy in years.

We are "living better through chemicals" - klonopin to be specific.

We are indulging in the "fruit of the vine" - red and white.

We are partaking of one of the "natural" herbs - bongs ftw!

Our BFF came over and well, damn.

I had never tried klonopin - my BFF has a lifetime supply - and well FUCK YEAH! This shit is like 'ludes without the inevitable downer. Unfortunately, the vino feelings and effects are now an overlay of the MAJOR FUCKING MELLOW you get from the klonopin. The weed just gave me the munchies and an overwhelming desre to crash.

I've always been more of a pothead than a drinker. But this chem is DA BOMB!

Yeah, the chemicals need to stand alone. This shit is light years from valium.

Of maids, warriors and mothers

I gotta go all fangirl on some chicks I know.

I posted how one of my coven sisters and I were leaving our group to work together. Interestingly enough, our other sisters (less our HP obviously) chose to join us. We also embraced two of the "retired" members from the original coven, one of which has jumped right in with both feet. This is becoming serious coolness to me.

So let me squee on each of them.

G-Mama is my "partner in crime". I can't think of a more together, in your face chick than her. She's in my head and it's awesomesauce. She's one of our circle's aspect of the Mother although she also claims "warrior" as she deems necessary. We know each other from somewhere else in time and one day with no distractions and prolly some peyote we're gonna figure it out. She's also the mother of the witchlet.

E-Warrior can't begin to understand what she brings to my life - so LATE in my life. E is biracial like me, that alone flips my shit out. I knew very few other biracial women over the years who were as in the middle about race as I am til I met her. She's the sister I didn't/don't have.

E-Mama interviewed and joined the original coven when I did. I've never said this before but I'd do her in a NY minute. She's hot. Ok pervie-ness aside, she's one of the most gentle souls ever born. I'd go so far to say she's a new soul. She's kind, thoughtful and going through some stuff right now that makes me want to end the life of the person bringing her pain. I cry for her.

T-Maid is, duh, the Maid aspect of the Goddess in our circle. Bright, witty, creative. There's also a very deep river running through her and her perceptions of people and things is amazing. She's also wild and crazy and I'm all about that. She lives the life I could have had, so I'm hanging on her coattails for the ride.

H-Mama is -- hell I dunno how to describe her. I have always felt comfortable, loved and LIKED by H. I always felt a bond with her that wasn't allowed to find it's ground before the schism. I'm reveling in this new found freedom to know her. Cuz I really, really like her. (and Mr. Toes)

So these are my women. I love them all and am so blessed to have them in my life, right here, right now.

Gifts n' Giving n' Spending Other People's Money

So tonight I have to fiddle around with the pics the Butterfly and I took this morning to make my new avatar. The concept is a whole lot different from the reality so we'll see what we get. I love a person who will try anything.

I gave out some of my Yule presents today. This morning I gave the scarf I knitted for the Butterfly which amazingly is long enough. He oohed and aahed over it enough to convince me he really liked it. He gets homemade blueberry muffins tomorrow morning. Over at work, I gave my fellow Virgo a set of herbed olive oils. The herbs are from my garden this summer and he likes to cook so this was perfect. For the office as a whole I made a spice bundt cake. I'll be finishing up the rest of the stuff I'm knitting for everyone else this weekend.

I'm also in the process of redecorating the office. I've ordered the new carpet and the paint, it will be at least the first of the year before we get it completed. Now I need to shop for new furniture. Yay for a company credit card!

Suicide is going to be the death of me

So since I've been on Chantix it appears my loved ones have me on suicide watch.

Blink.

From the official site (and the script insert):

Some patients have had changes in behavior, agitation, depressed mood, and suicidal thoughts or actions while using CHANTIX to help them quit smoking.

So everyday I get asked by my loved ones "are you ok?" "how do you feel?" and from the Butterfly "so, you gonna kill yourself today?".

Can you feel the love here?

Now to be honest, I realize where they are getting this over zealous concern from - a discussion I've had with each of them at some time over the years. The "I believe that a person has the right to end their own life when they feel they're ready to go."

Yeah I know. Gets the Western sensibilities in a snarl.

I also know how fucked up I was after the dead husband died and those that went through that with me were extremely concerned about my mental well being. Rightly so because frankly, if I hadn't had PFC Tyler I would have offed myself. The needs of my kid have kept me alive, not some twisted love of life. The Butterfly didn't know me then so I have nfc what his malfunction is. Speaking of which he's on the phone now asking me how I'm doing and telling me how proud of me he is and some sexually deviant stuff, lol. Jeebus, do I come across as a fucking psychopath or something???

So how did I come to the conclusion that suicide is acceptable? Well meet my Aunt Connie (circa 1956).



My aunt was one of the women who helped raise me. She was also the first professional female in our family. Extremely smart, fiercely independent, defiantly feminist. She and my uncle Curtis had no children, so my cousin Debbie and I became "hers". Shortly before she retired, my uncle moved to TN and they were officially separated. About 6 months after her retirement, my aunt died of an overdose. It was ruled an accident, but we know what happened.

Connie was ill towards the end of her life. She was also lost after retiring - her career was her LIFE. Add to that the strain of her 30 yr marriage ending and she was just - tired of living. I can get with that. I can UNDERSTAND that. I can respect that. I was 15 at the time and understood that. The money she left me funded my first 2 years of college. She inspired me to be a hard-nosed professional.

The thing my loved ones can't seem to get is that I am not suicidal. I'm groovin along with life now. No, it was NOT GOOD when Danny died but life does go on. I've learned to enjoy the little bright spots of happiness you get even if they're few and far between. So everyday I have to tell them to get a grip, stop freaking out and relax. I'm not planning on going anywhere, damn I'm trying to quit smoking, DUH!

Yes, I know all the arguments about suicide: it's selfish, it's cowardly, it's illegal, it means you have issues that need to be shrink-ified. No, it's NONE of those things. It's a personal choice that should be respected and accepted.

But I still believe it's an individual's right to end their life when they want. And if or when I ever decide it's my time, I will.


now playing on my iPod "Touch of Grey" Grateful Dead

On rum, getting cockblocked and the internet

Let me preface this by saying I'm reasonably inebrieated.

My evening plans were cockblocked (shakes fist at Assmitten as it's all HER FAULT dammit!) and I'm turning to alcohol to compensate for the lack of (actually) damn fine conversation. The sex would have been welcome but not required.

Anywho.

Yammering back and forth with the aforementioned Assmitten reminded me of why I lurv the interwebs so much. You get to meet some pretty fucking amazing people. And knowing these people can make some HUGE changes in your life.

Let me also mention that I met the dead husband on the internet almost 14 yrs ago and we eventually got together IRL and lived together and got married. So I don't really subscribe to the "every other person on the internet is an axe murderer" school of thought.

Over these past 14 years I HAVE met some pretty awesome folks who also moved into the IRL state. Back in the day I used to go to "chat parties" held in various cities across the country and meet people I talked to online. I even had one of those individuals (who I thought I was in love with) leave his wife and move in with me - for all of 2 days. Fortunately he wasn't an axe murderer, just an idiot. (Yes, I am a bad ass mama-jama despite what you read here.)

Mr. Davis aka umf is another of those people. Also one who has been a friend for 14 years and for all intents and purposes is my "spiritual partner". We've only managed to get together IRL a few times over those years, but we keep in touch almost daily and our kids even know each other.

Speaking of which, let me direct you to the website (I have been TERRIBLY remiss) Soul Patrol We grew that out of a combination of chat rooms and bbs on Prodigy back in the day. Since that time I've met a shitload of artists and attended the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremonies in NYC. (Buried deep in there is a rather um, risque listening party chat about Miles Davis' "Dark Magus" with yours truly having what was described by Michael Henderson as "damn fine sex online". Ok, Miles does that to me, what can I say? LOL)

Frankly, the thing that keeps me coming to the internet is PEOPLE. I love to meet new people from the safety of my computer. Yeah, I know folks can lie and pretend with the monitor in front of them, but truly I've only run into a few of those losers. The majority of people I've met and kept in touch with through the internet have enriched my life. Given me the opportunity to look at my own experiences through the eyes of others.

And THAT my friends, is MOST EXCELLENT.

now playing on my iPod "Down in It" NIN

The Good, the bad and the ugly

THE GOOD
The Butterfly sees the dread behind my eyes. I can't hide from him. He knows it's there. He knows how I struggle to keep it down. He knew what today would be like for me. He hugged me a good long while. He talked to me about everything good that's happened this past year. He made me laugh and laugh and laugh. He is my friend.

He tamed the beast. He's too good to me.

THE BAD
Today had the potential to be hideously bad. It was poised on the ends of every nerve in my body threatening to race helter skelter all through me. The untreated parasitic depression that has a hold on my soul wanted to come out and play. The strength my ancestors left me is all that keeps it and what I look like inside hidden from the world like the portrait of Dorian Gray.

One year ago today I kicked my 3rd husband out for cheating on me. It's also one year to the day since I started my job.

THE UGLY
I've been avoiding any and all political talk at work. They're rabid republicans. Today they pushed the limits. They wouldn't leave it alone. Today I shook them to the very fucking foundations of their fucking entitled white male souls.

I told them that I found it morally reprehensible that they would continue to support a candidate who by omission condoned racism in this country. That I believed them to be good people at heart, that didn't harbor overt racist feelings and that certainly wouldn't support racist behavior - that I had had FAITH they were decent deep down inside.

They had no idea what I was talking about.

I pointed out all the fucked up shit going on in the campaign. I pulled up news articles, commentaries, videos and blog posts about what their candidate was turning a blind eye to. They swore they had never heard about any of this.

But I saw a flicker of doubt and realization in their eyes.

I know it won't change them. I know they will still go out and vote for McCain/Palin. I know they will justify every bit of fucked up, race-baiting, dog whistle shit the republicans are promoting. They'll go home to their empty 401ks and stock portfolios and try to rein in their spending and drive their fucking minivans to soccer and softball and ballet and sail their little boats on the weekends and still condemn and blame the liberal left for the dickwad mess my beautiful country is in. And I know I will lose respect for them a little bit each day.

But I saw that flicker. And I hope to all that's holy to the Goddess it eats their souls up.

now playing on my iPod "Scar Tissue", Red Hot Chili Peppers