Appreciation that I don't live in a black hole

I think I've mentioned before that I work with a group of white, republican males. Very right leaning republican males. So in the course of the day I hear a lot of discussion about material things. I also hear a lot of bitching and moaning about wives, children, etc. For a bunch of people who have SO MUCH they are SO MISERABLE.

But they really have very little.

When I moved up to VA 12 yrs ago I came with my CPU in a suitcase cushioned with some clothes, two backpacks and a 5 yr old in tow. I had left behind my entire life and whatever material goods I hadn't lost in my divorce, eviction and shelter stint. Everything I valued I carried with me. Trust me, that teaches you what's important in life.

So the new "things" here are monster flat screen tv's and high end appliances. This is accompanied with the constant barrage of how I should spend MY money. Um, I don't make as much as they do. I don't get multiple bonuses in the four figure range throughout the year. I don't get a free, insured company car. I'm not married to someone who makes 5-6 figures a year. I don't own my home, boats, several cars, vacation homes. I don't HAVE disposable income. Hello!

I also don't have relationships I'm unhappy in.

The wives, the girlfriends, the kids, the in-laws, the friends in the social circles - all of them make these mens lives MISERABLE. They don't get laid enough, they don't do enough work, they don't spend enough money, they don't HAVE enough money, they can't keep up with the Jones'. WTF?

For years I've subscribed to the belief that misery loves company. People who are unhappy love to spread that unhappiness. They want others to be miserable. They need someone to either comiserate with or feel better about themselves because that person is worse off. Well damn that's pretty shitty IMO.

I used to argue all these issues with them but realized it's pointless. Clearly their accumulation of "stuff" is what they use to fill what are basically empty lives. "See? I get a new car every year! I'm smiling! I'm happy! Ignore the fact that I don't talk to my wife! I'm happy!" They see my life as being absolutely barren, so surely I need to fill it with "stuff" to make me happy like them.

I don't think so.

Some of what bothers me is how they take all they have for granted. The fact that they see all this as their due is a post for another day, but still they don't seem to understand what things are truly important in life. Is there some jealousy on my part? Well duh, of course there's some. I'd love to own my own home, get a new car, go on vacations. More than any of that I'd love to have someone who loves me next to me at night.

And here is where I get really pissed at them and want to pull out the Louisville Slugger I keep by my desk.

I don't understand how you can claim to love someone and complain about them all the time. If they're so imperfect, if they don't make you happy, if they constantly get on your nerves, if they don't understand you, why the HELL are you still with them? (The only one who doesn't complain about his wife is the Butterfly as they are blissfully happy. Given our relationship I find this hilarious.) Are they trying to keep up a front? Do they feel that since this is what society expects of them they have to conform? Are they afraid to be alone? Is it just cheaper to keep her? I have nfc. I do know that if I were that unhappy I'd have to get the fuck out. Plain and simple. Nothing is worth that much misery. No one is worth all that personal grief.

What the fuck point was I making? Oh yeah, filling the black hole that is your life with stuff to fool yourself into thinking your life is grand.

Well from their perspective my life is teh MAJOR SUCK. And yeah, it is most of the time. I don't have all the shit I want but I learned awhile ago I don't need all of that. But I DO have in my life a group of people I love with all my heart. People who can drive me apeshit but I love so much it's ok and I have no reason to complain about it. It's part of who they are. And Goddess knows I drive them apeshit too.

As my friend Kara commented on my draft of this post "These are the same people who tell lies when the truth would serve them better. They cannot be honest with anyone, not even themselves."

She's right.

Let's face it, being honest with yourself is very, very difficult. I know. I work hard at it every day. And it's so much easier to skim along the surface.

Gifts n' Giving n' Spending Other People's Money

So tonight I have to fiddle around with the pics the Butterfly and I took this morning to make my new avatar. The concept is a whole lot different from the reality so we'll see what we get. I love a person who will try anything.

I gave out some of my Yule presents today. This morning I gave the scarf I knitted for the Butterfly which amazingly is long enough. He oohed and aahed over it enough to convince me he really liked it. He gets homemade blueberry muffins tomorrow morning. Over at work, I gave my fellow Virgo a set of herbed olive oils. The herbs are from my garden this summer and he likes to cook so this was perfect. For the office as a whole I made a spice bundt cake. I'll be finishing up the rest of the stuff I'm knitting for everyone else this weekend.

I'm also in the process of redecorating the office. I've ordered the new carpet and the paint, it will be at least the first of the year before we get it completed. Now I need to shop for new furniture. Yay for a company credit card!

The old "bait and switch"

I hadn't had health insurance for, um years. So when I took this job last year I was all excited about getting it and the fact that my boss would pay half of my costs. Well that went right down the toilet after my 90 days when I asked him (cuz I was like STOOPID and didn't ask BEFORE I took the job) how much it was going to cost me. The total monthly premium for me and PFC Tyler was going to be $698 PER MONTH out of my pocket. I told him no, we needed to buy um, like food and stuff and I wouldn't be participating in his healthcare plan.

Over the next 6 mos or so I started developing bad sinus infections, we're talking green snot would be healthier than what I honked out. Well of course NOT having health insurance sucked and I had to resort to home remedies and anything and everything I could find in my herbalism books. Fortunately I'm salaried so the days I took off didn't cut into my paycheck, but the boss didn't like that. In the meantime, I made some changes in the office, rearranged some stuff - particularly my desk. Under my desk I found a mold and mildew area about 6'x10'. Hmm, mold/mildew = me sick. Ya think?

So I showed the boss the problem, explained he needed to take care of it and we could also do some redecorating. Paint the place and get a new area rug because the one under MY desk is you know, a mold factory.

In the meantime, he FINALLY gets decent health insurance. It's an HSA, but he said - now read my lips here - that HE WAS GOING TO FUND THE HSA ACCOUNT FOR THE FIRST YEAR TO COVER THE DEDUCTABLE SO NONE OF US WOULD BE STUCK IF SOMETHING CAME UP.

Note here that I am not always the brightest bulb in the box, but as I manage his business it seemed a) rather expensive for him to do that and b) he's not a nice person. But I spoke with his insurance broker who said the same thing, gave me the premium rates, explained it all to me. Ok cool, affordable health care WOOT!!

Meanwhile, I'm still sitting on top of the mildew farm.

So the insurance kicks in, I take PFC Tyler to the doctor (he hasn't been in like 5 years) and they ran some blood tests. The doctor has some concerns about the results on his thyroid. He wants more tests. Ok, I'm cool with that, I have insurance now, right?

Today I go to the doctor for the first time since PFC Tyler was born. No shit, I haven't been to the doctor in almost 15 years, no pap smear, no mammogram, no nothin' and I'll be 50 in two years. I found a KICK ASS practice and first thing I told them was I wanted Chantrix so I could drop the 30 yr/2 packs a day cig habit. She told me sure, as long as I came back in for a pap smear and a mammogram. We reached an amiable accord.

Well. Ok. So when I get back, the boss comes over and says he wants to explain something to me because I'm the only one who understands how the health insurance works. It appears he is - read my lips - NOT GOING TO BE FUNDING THE HSA ACCOUNT FOR THE FULL AMOUNT THE FIRST YEAR, HE WILL ONLY FUND 25 PERCENT.

Now what that means for me is that I won't have enough in the HSA to cover the high deductable which means all of my non-basic care (like, oh I don't know, blood tests and mammograms) are OUT OF POCKET EXPENSES NOW. Money I don't have. At all. So now my kid needs further testing, I need to make sure my boobs are healthy and I can't afford it. It also means I've been paying almost $200 a month out of my paycheck for both my premium AND the future funding of my HSA for AFTER his first gimme year.

He also won't pay to have a professional company remove the mildew colony under my desk.

After I vote on Tuesday, I am going to call the Health Department and report him for allowing a hazardous working environment.

Next I am going to cancel my health insurance, I need the money more.

Then I am going to AGGRESSIVELY pursue other employment.

Fuck this shit. I am a very loyal, dedicated employee. I work over and above what my job description says. But he's fucked me over one time too many at this point and I'm not taking it anymore. When Obama moves to the white house there are going to be a LOT of open positions in the capitol. Somewhere out there is one with MY name on it with a decent salary and affordable health insurance.

I.am.pissed.

now playing on my iPod "Terrible Lie" NIN

The Good, the bad and the ugly

THE GOOD
The Butterfly sees the dread behind my eyes. I can't hide from him. He knows it's there. He knows how I struggle to keep it down. He knew what today would be like for me. He hugged me a good long while. He talked to me about everything good that's happened this past year. He made me laugh and laugh and laugh. He is my friend.

He tamed the beast. He's too good to me.

THE BAD
Today had the potential to be hideously bad. It was poised on the ends of every nerve in my body threatening to race helter skelter all through me. The untreated parasitic depression that has a hold on my soul wanted to come out and play. The strength my ancestors left me is all that keeps it and what I look like inside hidden from the world like the portrait of Dorian Gray.

One year ago today I kicked my 3rd husband out for cheating on me. It's also one year to the day since I started my job.

THE UGLY
I've been avoiding any and all political talk at work. They're rabid republicans. Today they pushed the limits. They wouldn't leave it alone. Today I shook them to the very fucking foundations of their fucking entitled white male souls.

I told them that I found it morally reprehensible that they would continue to support a candidate who by omission condoned racism in this country. That I believed them to be good people at heart, that didn't harbor overt racist feelings and that certainly wouldn't support racist behavior - that I had had FAITH they were decent deep down inside.

They had no idea what I was talking about.

I pointed out all the fucked up shit going on in the campaign. I pulled up news articles, commentaries, videos and blog posts about what their candidate was turning a blind eye to. They swore they had never heard about any of this.

But I saw a flicker of doubt and realization in their eyes.

I know it won't change them. I know they will still go out and vote for McCain/Palin. I know they will justify every bit of fucked up, race-baiting, dog whistle shit the republicans are promoting. They'll go home to their empty 401ks and stock portfolios and try to rein in their spending and drive their fucking minivans to soccer and softball and ballet and sail their little boats on the weekends and still condemn and blame the liberal left for the dickwad mess my beautiful country is in. And I know I will lose respect for them a little bit each day.

But I saw that flicker. And I hope to all that's holy to the Goddess it eats their souls up.

now playing on my iPod "Scar Tissue", Red Hot Chili Peppers