waiting for the 3rd shoe to drop

well they say things happen in 3's

a beautiful, vivacious, intelligent young woman (who is the same age as my oldest son) lies comatose in a hospital room for no logical reason..i used to work with her, she had her whole life ahead of her until friday night when she had a series of seizures, had to be resucitated, suffered severe brain damage and will now be taken home by her parents to be placed in a nursing home..i don't understand it, i can only grieve

my 2nd husband (to whom i was the goddess incarnate) died 2 yrs ago yesterday..i woke up at the moment of his death unable to breathe..how long does grief have a hold on your heart?

ahh, but my kenyan man..he stepped out of his own personal hell last night to make me feel loved..that's gotten me through the day and kept me from slipping into a complete funk

marriage rant

marriage is a fucking BITCH

i forgot that..i forgot how much fucking work is involved..i got lulled into it's *joyousness* with hubby #2 and then the freedom while being single..

don't misunderstand me, there is nothing i can think of at this moment in time that would cause me to end this..i love my husband way too much for that..but DAMN

i try to keep in mind that i'm a *veteran* at this marriage thing - he's never been married before..i try to remember that i've lived almost a lifetime longer than him - he's 15 yrs my junior..and i can't EVER forget that i'm an american and he's a kenyan - the cultural divide is kicking my ASS

to top it all off..he's a fucking VIRGO male..virgo men aren't normal (so it's a blanket, ignorant statement - bite me it's my opinion today)..he's a moody MF as well as spoiled rotten..well guess what?..i'm a virgo female and i'm a moody MF that's also spoiled rotten..BAH!

i just needed to rant..get it off my chest..put it down so i could let it go

move on..nothing more here today..

every step you take

sometimes the goddess smacks you upside the head until you listen..and other times she sets you up ever so quietly

today was the latter..

i found myself in that VERY rare position of being alone in the house for a couple hours..so i figured what the hell, let me take a long, lazy , hot bath (this included heating water on the stove to make up for the lack of enough hot water left in the water heater)

well the water off the stove proved too hot so i needed to cool things down..so ok, while that's going on i figured i'd light some candles..ok, and put the new milk bath in too, what the hell..

now understand i'm not a huge bath fan, i don't have the patience to sit and soak for very long..but the water was so damn hot and felt so damn good i just laid back - in delicious silence

so the slight movement of the water lulled me into a meditative state..ok cool, just let the mind drift, it's been working on overtime for a month now

the first bead of sweat started..and with it the thought "yeah, leech out the frustration"..hmm, next bead of sweat "out with the anger at steve"..and so on with each trail running down my face drawing out the frustrations and negativity that have built up over the past 2 months

she knew what i needed and that i needed it without a slap in the face..she knew the body had been manifesting the sludge inside..she knew it needed to relax before the crap could come out..body, mind and soul needed purifying

how very cool is she?

making adjustments

it seems that's what i've had to make the majority of my adult life..

adjustments to hubby number 1 - albeit those were self-preservation as he was an alcoholic, drug using wife beater..always adjusting to his moods to avoid personal damage

adjustments to having children - kid 1 was a huge adjustment, numbers 2 and 3 were just multiples of the first

adjustments to being single - with 3 kids, LOL..and being responsible..then finding out i wasn't responsible and adjusting to poverty

adjustments to hubby number 2 - much older than me and VERY set in his ways..adjusting to being treated like a queen..adjusting to his death

adjustments to being pagan - being outside the mainstream..finally relieved of the guilt over not being a good catholic/christian..adjusting to a faith that is my own, not someone else's

adjustments to being single, again - and finally being far more fiscally responsible..adjusting to being 40 something and past your prime..trying to adjust to a boyfriend 18 yrs your junior - failing miserably - and getting dumped for the first time in life

adjusting to hubby number 3 - (i know, i'm trying to catch up to liz taylor)..this one seems to be the hardest..maybe now i'm the one who is old and set in her ways..maybe it's because he's not american..maybe it's time for me to let go of a lifetime of insecurity about myself

adjusting to the goddess smacking me upside the head -- by finally recognizing while writing this which one of my deep seated shadows i need to face and move through