Deconstructing in the afterglow

booty call

(noun) a phonecall, page or conversation aimed at getting into your pants. Not an invite to a movie or dinner, not just coffee, not a casual or formal get-together, just a plain old-fashioned "let's fuck".


Now I haven't answered a booty call in, uh 13-14 yrs. As a matter of course, I initiate them. Until today.

I'd forgotten the thrill of the proposition, the anticipation as you drive helter-skelter through the streets and the feverish ripping off of the clothes to do the nasty.

Today the Butterfly put out a booty call and I dropped EVERYTHING to answer it. Since I'm basking in the afterglow (with a large glass of wine) I can afford to deconstruct the act. We'll look at the 3 standard "judgements" that could be made about me over this.

Does running off into the evening willy nilly like that detract from my feminist beliefs? Is this some sort of "master"/"slave" situation? Am I a whore for going to fuck a married man because he's got some free time and a hard dick?

Only if you let the patriarchy and the slave mentality getcha.

I ran off to see the Butterfly because I knew that I was going to see little of him in the next few weeks. He's swamped at work and will be pulling double shifts. Besides, he's known to drop everything and take time out and come running when I call. It's a give and take.

Hmm. Ok, so he's white and I'm black. The only time "master"/"slave" comes into play is DURING play. I won't say the man hasn't got some prejudice in him - I defy anyone to find someone who doesn't - but it has never manifested itself in any conversation we've ever had.

Nah. I'm not a whore. I don't get paid for this. I do it because I want to, he does it because he wants to. His marriage is his business, not mine. I never infringe on his personal life, although he does stick his socks in mine from time to time.

So why did I go? Simply because I wanted to. I could have said no. He would have accepted that. Anything I do with him I do because *I* want to do it. We spend more time talking than anything else. He's my friend. With benefits. I wanted those benefits so I drove 80mph on 95 to claim them.

Bettah late than nevah

Right now I'm reading: Our Kind of People: Inside America's Black Upper Class and FUCK ALL I'M HOME.

I'm also finding out how being biracial denied me the "benefits" I was entitled to given my maternal family's "status". I almost hate being half black a little now. But it only validates what I posted before about bi/multi-racial people in the black community.

When I've finished openly weeping over this book I'll write as best a review as my limited literary skills will allow.

*Update* - I'm getting angrier and angrier the more I read. While I can get with the concepts intellectually, from an ideological standpoint I'm SEETHING.

Take your slave mentality and shove it up your ass, I ain't down wit dat

Ok. Time to take off the gloves. I'm 'bout tired of black folks right about now.

I'm tired of hearing about what side of his family Obama should consider himself. I'm tired of hearing about Tiger Woods and his "cablinasian". I'm fucking tired of hearing ANYTHING ELSE about those of us who are multi-racial.

FUCK YOU. WE KNOW WHO WE ARE NO FUCKING THANKS TO YOU.

There's a long history in the black community about bi-racial children. Obviously the children born of black female slaves by their white masters were NOT accepted into their paternal families. Duh. So these children naturally lived black lives. Well there's this opinion among some that black folks were FORCED to accept these half breeds because no one else wanted them. And a lot of them were shunned by the black community for various reasons. Some could pass for white. Others were high yellow. Others were various shades in the spectrum. The mindset was that the products of these encounters were just another bit of the white man's trash black folks had to clean up. This idea still has legs in this day and age.

FUCK YOU.

Now another side to this was bi-racial and light skinned people feeling they were superior to "more black" blacks. That bit o' white made you better. Gave you a "leg up". And if you could pass - well HALLELUJAH JEBUS we gwine git ours! This too still has legs. I remember my former mother in law (who could almost pass) telling me that it was "the thing" for a dark black man to marry as light a woman as he could, so she was a "valuable" commodity in her youth. Nevermind that she was a bitch. And not even biracial, lol.

FUCK YOU TOO.

I really want to know when black folks are going to TRULY shrug off the slave mentality that has driven such a large portion of the community for centuries. When are WE going to throw off the labels white society has determined for us? When are we going to just be - people? When are we no longer going to give a fuck about color OURSELVES???

Now I'm half black and half white - black irish. I know the world sees me as a high yellow black woman. I also know my birth certificate says I'm white (LOL). But I go through life as GREER - not as black, certainly not as white. I AM THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS BITCHES AND PROUD OF BOTH.

So all I can say to all you haters out there - STOP THE INSANITY. LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF. STOP ACCEPTING SOMEONE ELSE'S LABEL. BE YOURSELF.

And get the FUCK up off my balls and that of mah bi/multi-racial sisters and brothers.

Oh yeah..while we're on the subject..SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT BROTHA'S AND THEIR WHITE WOMEN..WHO THE FUCK CARES? TRY A WHITE BOY, YOU'LL LIKE IT, TASTES JUST LIKE CHICKEN..TRUST ME!

Happy boxes

Happily may I walk.
Happily, with abundance may I walk.
Happily, with abundant clouds, may I walk.
Happily, with abundant rain, may I walk.
Happily, with abundant plants, may I walk.
Happily, on a trail of abundant pollen, may I walk.
Happily, with abundance may I walk.
Happily may I walk.

-- Hopi night chant


Lots of times I post on here to vent and rant and whine. Ok, most of the time I do. But despite my rollercoaster life, happily I walk.

I learned a looooooong time ago that you have to seize the happy moments in life and save them to pull out when the shitty moments (or long periods) in life take over.

I put those moments in little boxes in my head. (I also put the men I've loved in actual little boxes on my altar but that's another post for another day.)

This past weekend was one of introspection which carried me through some serious emotional ups and downs. Those happy moments were flying around though, so the downs weren't so bad. The object of that introspection, and all the happy moments associated with him, was put in a box on my altar.

But the damn top won't stay on, LOL.

blue - or musical interlude #9

Because before there was youtube there was just - music.



blue - joni mitchell



I first listened to this album in the year it came out in 1971 when I was 10. I used my hard earned babysitting money to buy it. One of those "first albums you buy for yourself because it touches you" kind of albums.




a case of you - joni mitchell



The music on this album has stayed with me for 37 years. That's pretty fucking powerful. It's not just the music of my youth making me feel all sentimental, it was profound then and it's profound now. It's one of those albums that taught me the POWER of lyrics.




all i want - joni mitchell



Like a lot of stuff, I lost track of the album over the years and replaced it with the cd. I was online chatting with some dood about 10 yrs ago and mentioned this album, how it made me feel, how powerful the lyrics were and how I had lost my cd of it when I was homeless. He asked for my address and sent me a new cd. I still have it.




river - joni mitchell



I've been hidden away in my room all weekend cuz my heart hurts bad. This has kept me company again like it has over the years. It speaks my soul. To me, it's the most beautiful album in the world.

Yo, can a girl get some samsara synchronization here?

I had a good day today. I took the day off so I could get a 4 day weekend. I cleaned and reorganized my room. The Butterfly and I had some VERY rare time alone at my house. He made me smile. He's good to me. All is well.

Which brings me to that fuck-all day tomorrow, Valentine's Day.

Yeah, that day which is designed to make those of us who aren't in a relationship feel like shit.

I never really bought into the hype of it, but it IS nice to have a significant other to spoil you that day. Of course some people take the whole romance aspect out and celebrate ALL the love they have in their lives. That's cool I guess but shouldn't you do that everyday anyway?

I'll admit it, right now I wish my relationship with the Butterfly was such that the retail spirit of the day could manifest itself. I'll be so bold as to admit I wish I could have a singular relationship with him. I wish he could swoop into the house tomorrow with roses, candy, wisk me off to a romantic dinner and then make passionate love to me all night long.

But that wasn't meant to be in this lifetime's go round.

So I'll drink heavily, cry ceaselessly, surround myself with all the stuffed animals the dead husband got me every Valentine's Day (yes I saved them all, one every year) and wish I could have better timing in love.

Of maids, warriors and mothers

I gotta go all fangirl on some chicks I know.

I posted how one of my coven sisters and I were leaving our group to work together. Interestingly enough, our other sisters (less our HP obviously) chose to join us. We also embraced two of the "retired" members from the original coven, one of which has jumped right in with both feet. This is becoming serious coolness to me.

So let me squee on each of them.

G-Mama is my "partner in crime". I can't think of a more together, in your face chick than her. She's in my head and it's awesomesauce. She's one of our circle's aspect of the Mother although she also claims "warrior" as she deems necessary. We know each other from somewhere else in time and one day with no distractions and prolly some peyote we're gonna figure it out. She's also the mother of the witchlet.

E-Warrior can't begin to understand what she brings to my life - so LATE in my life. E is biracial like me, that alone flips my shit out. I knew very few other biracial women over the years who were as in the middle about race as I am til I met her. She's the sister I didn't/don't have.

E-Mama interviewed and joined the original coven when I did. I've never said this before but I'd do her in a NY minute. She's hot. Ok pervie-ness aside, she's one of the most gentle souls ever born. I'd go so far to say she's a new soul. She's kind, thoughtful and going through some stuff right now that makes me want to end the life of the person bringing her pain. I cry for her.

T-Maid is, duh, the Maid aspect of the Goddess in our circle. Bright, witty, creative. There's also a very deep river running through her and her perceptions of people and things is amazing. She's also wild and crazy and I'm all about that. She lives the life I could have had, so I'm hanging on her coattails for the ride.

H-Mama is -- hell I dunno how to describe her. I have always felt comfortable, loved and LIKED by H. I always felt a bond with her that wasn't allowed to find it's ground before the schism. I'm reveling in this new found freedom to know her. Cuz I really, really like her. (and Mr. Toes)

So these are my women. I love them all and am so blessed to have them in my life, right here, right now.

Musical Interlude #8

There is very little rap or hip hop that I like. Lauren Hill is one of the exceptions. I love this song, I love the video, she's a beautiful woman, I'm jealous of her hair. (I've always had a secret desire to have dreds.)

Someone that has been, well, as close to everything to me in their own right for the past 14 yrs is coming in town on Wednesday and I don't know if I can face them anymore. The relationship has changed so much and I'm so hurt over it I don't even know how to think about it. I'm avoiding it in my head cuz I'm lost with them, lost without them. I can't talk to the Butterfly about it because it seems to be one of the few things that upsets him. He knows how bad I hurt over this. He can't help me either.

The end of an era..of sorts

When I was a little girl we had a black and white tv. So did everyone else. If you wanted to watch "color" tv you put this piece of spectrum colored plastic over the screen.

Oh yeah. That REALLY helped.

When I was about 8 (?) my Daddy bought me the first color tv anyone in our family owned. My mother made me keep it in the family room - I couldn't be selfish and keep it to myself. (Bitch) Do you know how long she had that tv? Until just a few months ago when she had to switch to digital. NO SHIT - she had the SAME FUCKING TV FOR ALMOST 40 YEARS. Well yeah, she bought a newer set about 15 yrs ago, but the original one still worked and was in the guest room.

My mother can make anything last far past it's normal expiration date. Trust me.

Well now that we've finally gotten cable after not having tv for over a year, the tv in my bedroom crapped out. So I looked around online for a new one and realized THEY DON'T MAKE TUBE TVs ANYMORE - WHAT THE FUCK? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? So I am now the proud owner of a 19" flat screen, dolby digital, hdtv, hdmi tv at the low, low price of $199 at the big box store.

I have arrived. (rolls eyes)

Yet I feel kind of funny about it all. Rather, I feel my mortality more. We used to have fun messing with the rabbit ears, shifting that plastic sheet around so everyone had green faces. Only having one tv in the house that the whole family sat around and watched together. Now we have a tv in every room and each person goes off to their corner alone to do their own thing.

Not all of the innovations of today are a good thing.

Indulging oneself while on the Blue Streak of Life

So the rules of the game for the Butterfly are very simple: keep me laughing and keep me sexually satisfied. Simple stuff really.

I'm constantly amazed at how well he manages to keep me laughing. The only other person who ever managed to do this consistently was the dead husband. Interesting there in that the 31st was the 5th anniversary of his death and I didn't feel a need to go to Quantico and lay down prone on his grave and weep. Perhaps life is returning after all.

Anyway, the Butterfly has got to be THE most retarded adult male on the planet. In a good way. And yes, he would still dominate much of my day and my life even without the sex. He's THAT good.

So this morning I indulged him in breakfast with an assortment of delishus cheeses while rubbing his back. My indulging him satisfies my personal need to spoil the male in my life who brings me joy. I realize this is considered TEH EVUL by those of the feminist persuasion, but not in my book on feminism. Please to see the sentence prior to the last one: spoiling the male in my life who brings me joy. How the fuck is this anti-feminist? If someone makes you feel good, isn't it only NATURAL that you would want to make them feel good too? If it doesn't, you need some serious fucking help because you clearly have no concept of give and take.

Well this brings me to the upswing here on "My Life: The Rollercoaster Ride Through Hell". Today was a good day for the most part. Hot, wet, monkey-sex followed by a cheese platter and 5 separate conversation topics with an extremely intelligent, retarded 44 yr old male. Really, could it get any better? Well yeah, but we don't do exercises in futility. So it was great. Then I got to work and my boss showed up and sucked all the color out of life. Fortunately, the Butterfly flitted around briefly after work painting the sky blue again. Then I had a fun dinner and lots of zin.

It's the little moments of joy in life you have to fully immerse yourself in to get by. Today turned out to be a good day after all.

Relics and cigarettes going down the tubes

Apparently my coven sisters are trying their best to SUCK ME into full Facebook immersion. LOL. Not.

I officially hate my job, don't want to work there anymore and couldn't give a fuck about fuckall there. Therefore, I proceeded to charge a brand new Day Timer set to the company. Fuck it, I always wanted teh nice leather 7-ring one.

So we finally get cable (after more than a year with no tv) and the tv in my room gives up the ghost. I figure, ok I can get a new tv cheap, everyone wants flat screens so a tube set should be damn near free. LOLOLOLOLOLOL They don't even MAKE tube tvs anymore. I can remember when all we had was black and white tv - there was no color. I can remember when we had rabbit ears - there was no cable/satellite. Now I'm enough of a relic there aren't TUBE tvs anymore. Sigh.

I was so horribly depressed today that I sent the Butterfly a txt msg saying I needed a cig, to which he replied NO FAGS!!! Of course I bummed one from someone and smoked it anyway and immediately proceeded to get sick. Sheesh.

Really, what IS the point anymore?