Appreciation that I don't live in a black hole

I think I've mentioned before that I work with a group of white, republican males. Very right leaning republican males. So in the course of the day I hear a lot of discussion about material things. I also hear a lot of bitching and moaning about wives, children, etc. For a bunch of people who have SO MUCH they are SO MISERABLE.

But they really have very little.

When I moved up to VA 12 yrs ago I came with my CPU in a suitcase cushioned with some clothes, two backpacks and a 5 yr old in tow. I had left behind my entire life and whatever material goods I hadn't lost in my divorce, eviction and shelter stint. Everything I valued I carried with me. Trust me, that teaches you what's important in life.

So the new "things" here are monster flat screen tv's and high end appliances. This is accompanied with the constant barrage of how I should spend MY money. Um, I don't make as much as they do. I don't get multiple bonuses in the four figure range throughout the year. I don't get a free, insured company car. I'm not married to someone who makes 5-6 figures a year. I don't own my home, boats, several cars, vacation homes. I don't HAVE disposable income. Hello!

I also don't have relationships I'm unhappy in.

The wives, the girlfriends, the kids, the in-laws, the friends in the social circles - all of them make these mens lives MISERABLE. They don't get laid enough, they don't do enough work, they don't spend enough money, they don't HAVE enough money, they can't keep up with the Jones'. WTF?

For years I've subscribed to the belief that misery loves company. People who are unhappy love to spread that unhappiness. They want others to be miserable. They need someone to either comiserate with or feel better about themselves because that person is worse off. Well damn that's pretty shitty IMO.

I used to argue all these issues with them but realized it's pointless. Clearly their accumulation of "stuff" is what they use to fill what are basically empty lives. "See? I get a new car every year! I'm smiling! I'm happy! Ignore the fact that I don't talk to my wife! I'm happy!" They see my life as being absolutely barren, so surely I need to fill it with "stuff" to make me happy like them.

I don't think so.

Some of what bothers me is how they take all they have for granted. The fact that they see all this as their due is a post for another day, but still they don't seem to understand what things are truly important in life. Is there some jealousy on my part? Well duh, of course there's some. I'd love to own my own home, get a new car, go on vacations. More than any of that I'd love to have someone who loves me next to me at night.

And here is where I get really pissed at them and want to pull out the Louisville Slugger I keep by my desk.

I don't understand how you can claim to love someone and complain about them all the time. If they're so imperfect, if they don't make you happy, if they constantly get on your nerves, if they don't understand you, why the HELL are you still with them? (The only one who doesn't complain about his wife is the Butterfly as they are blissfully happy. Given our relationship I find this hilarious.) Are they trying to keep up a front? Do they feel that since this is what society expects of them they have to conform? Are they afraid to be alone? Is it just cheaper to keep her? I have nfc. I do know that if I were that unhappy I'd have to get the fuck out. Plain and simple. Nothing is worth that much misery. No one is worth all that personal grief.

What the fuck point was I making? Oh yeah, filling the black hole that is your life with stuff to fool yourself into thinking your life is grand.

Well from their perspective my life is teh MAJOR SUCK. And yeah, it is most of the time. I don't have all the shit I want but I learned awhile ago I don't need all of that. But I DO have in my life a group of people I love with all my heart. People who can drive me apeshit but I love so much it's ok and I have no reason to complain about it. It's part of who they are. And Goddess knows I drive them apeshit too.

As my friend Kara commented on my draft of this post "These are the same people who tell lies when the truth would serve them better. They cannot be honest with anyone, not even themselves."

She's right.

Let's face it, being honest with yourself is very, very difficult. I know. I work hard at it every day. And it's so much easier to skim along the surface.

Breathe in, breathe out

So I got a call from my BFF today asking if I could pick her up from the hospital and take her home as she was being discharged. Her partner couldn't pick her up as she was in meetings all day and couldn't get there til after 7pm and she wanted to go HOME. Well of course I'd get her. She's my FUCKING BFF.

On the ride home, the truth came out. Her partner is actually at home. She didn't go to work, she went to the doctor to get more fucking drugs and was drugged up. A way to make even Kimmie's homecoming all about her - not Kimmie.

Over the weekend I tried to keep cool when talking to Kimmie on the phone. I had no desire to hear about how "wonderful" her partner was being coming to visit her everyday (Right, but I'm the only one you could depend on when the shit hit the fan). Asking her "how this happened" (While you were passed out from all your prescription drugs). How "worried" she was about her (Guilt is a MOTHER FUCKER BITCH). How this looked like it was going to be the "breakthrough" in healing their relationship (Not in this lifetime, Kimmie).

I tried to keep cool and not point out what a cunt her partner is. She was in the psych ward fer chrissakes and I didn't want to upset her more than she already was.

So on the ride home, Kimmie began to get distraught again. She knew what was going to be waiting for her. She knew that she was just walking back into hell. I told her I couldn't come in and see her partner because I couldn't condone what she was doing to her. I helped her with her stuff and sure enough, there she was passed out in the chair.

I can't do more for her. She's got to love herself enough to get out.

I just worry what form that exit will take.

Unselfish selfishness

I got a call from my BFF today asking if I could drive her to the hospital. She was going to check herself in to the psych ward.

So naturally, I told her of course I would and to call me when she wanted me to come over to the house to pick her up. I'd leave work and would be there for whatever she needed.

Instead of her, I got a call from her shrink asking me to come get her. She wasn't in a state to drive. I dropped everything and sped off to the shrink's office.

I got there to find my BFF curled up in the fetal position on the couch. Suffice it to say, I got her to the hospital and checked in.

Now I'm ready to find her "partner" and rip her a new one.

Kimmie has always been one of the most balanced people I know. I really credit not offing myself after the dead husband died to her calm, practical, honest strength during that time. When I went on a fuck-fest a year later, she let me get it out of my system and let me cry on her shoulder. When I went on a drinking binge, she reminded me I had to sober up. When I went to jail, she bailed me out.

I died a lot inside seeing her like that today.

I've always known she was in a dysfunctional relationship. Her partner is a non-practicing catholic who is in denial of her homosexuality. She has self-esteem and self-image issues. She shows Kimmie NO affection and they haven't been intimate for years. Everything is about HER. It's killing my best friend and I HAVE NOW HAD ENOUGH.

I've respected Kimmie's relationship, her feelings for this bitch, her co-dependency and her enabling. I guess about a month ago I finally let it all out and told her how I felt about what I'd been seeing. Kimmie knows it and her shrink had finally gotten her to think about HERSELF for a change. Really all of this is the slow death of a fucked up relationship and the near death of one of the partners.

My loyalty lies with my best friend. Not the cunt who is killing her.



Oh yeah, and it's Beltaine.

Take your slave mentality and shove it up your ass, I ain't down wit dat

Ok. Time to take off the gloves. I'm 'bout tired of black folks right about now.

I'm tired of hearing about what side of his family Obama should consider himself. I'm tired of hearing about Tiger Woods and his "cablinasian". I'm fucking tired of hearing ANYTHING ELSE about those of us who are multi-racial.

FUCK YOU. WE KNOW WHO WE ARE NO FUCKING THANKS TO YOU.

There's a long history in the black community about bi-racial children. Obviously the children born of black female slaves by their white masters were NOT accepted into their paternal families. Duh. So these children naturally lived black lives. Well there's this opinion among some that black folks were FORCED to accept these half breeds because no one else wanted them. And a lot of them were shunned by the black community for various reasons. Some could pass for white. Others were high yellow. Others were various shades in the spectrum. The mindset was that the products of these encounters were just another bit of the white man's trash black folks had to clean up. This idea still has legs in this day and age.

FUCK YOU.

Now another side to this was bi-racial and light skinned people feeling they were superior to "more black" blacks. That bit o' white made you better. Gave you a "leg up". And if you could pass - well HALLELUJAH JEBUS we gwine git ours! This too still has legs. I remember my former mother in law (who could almost pass) telling me that it was "the thing" for a dark black man to marry as light a woman as he could, so she was a "valuable" commodity in her youth. Nevermind that she was a bitch. And not even biracial, lol.

FUCK YOU TOO.

I really want to know when black folks are going to TRULY shrug off the slave mentality that has driven such a large portion of the community for centuries. When are WE going to throw off the labels white society has determined for us? When are we going to just be - people? When are we no longer going to give a fuck about color OURSELVES???

Now I'm half black and half white - black irish. I know the world sees me as a high yellow black woman. I also know my birth certificate says I'm white (LOL). But I go through life as GREER - not as black, certainly not as white. I AM THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS BITCHES AND PROUD OF BOTH.

So all I can say to all you haters out there - STOP THE INSANITY. LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF. STOP ACCEPTING SOMEONE ELSE'S LABEL. BE YOURSELF.

And get the FUCK up off my balls and that of mah bi/multi-racial sisters and brothers.

Oh yeah..while we're on the subject..SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT BROTHA'S AND THEIR WHITE WOMEN..WHO THE FUCK CARES? TRY A WHITE BOY, YOU'LL LIKE IT, TASTES JUST LIKE CHICKEN..TRUST ME!

The old "bait and switch"

I hadn't had health insurance for, um years. So when I took this job last year I was all excited about getting it and the fact that my boss would pay half of my costs. Well that went right down the toilet after my 90 days when I asked him (cuz I was like STOOPID and didn't ask BEFORE I took the job) how much it was going to cost me. The total monthly premium for me and PFC Tyler was going to be $698 PER MONTH out of my pocket. I told him no, we needed to buy um, like food and stuff and I wouldn't be participating in his healthcare plan.

Over the next 6 mos or so I started developing bad sinus infections, we're talking green snot would be healthier than what I honked out. Well of course NOT having health insurance sucked and I had to resort to home remedies and anything and everything I could find in my herbalism books. Fortunately I'm salaried so the days I took off didn't cut into my paycheck, but the boss didn't like that. In the meantime, I made some changes in the office, rearranged some stuff - particularly my desk. Under my desk I found a mold and mildew area about 6'x10'. Hmm, mold/mildew = me sick. Ya think?

So I showed the boss the problem, explained he needed to take care of it and we could also do some redecorating. Paint the place and get a new area rug because the one under MY desk is you know, a mold factory.

In the meantime, he FINALLY gets decent health insurance. It's an HSA, but he said - now read my lips here - that HE WAS GOING TO FUND THE HSA ACCOUNT FOR THE FIRST YEAR TO COVER THE DEDUCTABLE SO NONE OF US WOULD BE STUCK IF SOMETHING CAME UP.

Note here that I am not always the brightest bulb in the box, but as I manage his business it seemed a) rather expensive for him to do that and b) he's not a nice person. But I spoke with his insurance broker who said the same thing, gave me the premium rates, explained it all to me. Ok cool, affordable health care WOOT!!

Meanwhile, I'm still sitting on top of the mildew farm.

So the insurance kicks in, I take PFC Tyler to the doctor (he hasn't been in like 5 years) and they ran some blood tests. The doctor has some concerns about the results on his thyroid. He wants more tests. Ok, I'm cool with that, I have insurance now, right?

Today I go to the doctor for the first time since PFC Tyler was born. No shit, I haven't been to the doctor in almost 15 years, no pap smear, no mammogram, no nothin' and I'll be 50 in two years. I found a KICK ASS practice and first thing I told them was I wanted Chantrix so I could drop the 30 yr/2 packs a day cig habit. She told me sure, as long as I came back in for a pap smear and a mammogram. We reached an amiable accord.

Well. Ok. So when I get back, the boss comes over and says he wants to explain something to me because I'm the only one who understands how the health insurance works. It appears he is - read my lips - NOT GOING TO BE FUNDING THE HSA ACCOUNT FOR THE FULL AMOUNT THE FIRST YEAR, HE WILL ONLY FUND 25 PERCENT.

Now what that means for me is that I won't have enough in the HSA to cover the high deductable which means all of my non-basic care (like, oh I don't know, blood tests and mammograms) are OUT OF POCKET EXPENSES NOW. Money I don't have. At all. So now my kid needs further testing, I need to make sure my boobs are healthy and I can't afford it. It also means I've been paying almost $200 a month out of my paycheck for both my premium AND the future funding of my HSA for AFTER his first gimme year.

He also won't pay to have a professional company remove the mildew colony under my desk.

After I vote on Tuesday, I am going to call the Health Department and report him for allowing a hazardous working environment.

Next I am going to cancel my health insurance, I need the money more.

Then I am going to AGGRESSIVELY pursue other employment.

Fuck this shit. I am a very loyal, dedicated employee. I work over and above what my job description says. But he's fucked me over one time too many at this point and I'm not taking it anymore. When Obama moves to the white house there are going to be a LOT of open positions in the capitol. Somewhere out there is one with MY name on it with a decent salary and affordable health insurance.

I.am.pissed.

now playing on my iPod "Terrible Lie" NIN

An Exercise in Futility

This is originally from my MySpace page, almost a year ago. Just after my 3rd and FINAL marriage ended. I'm having a difficult time right now keeping this promise to myself, sorta. I love someone, but I'm not IN love with them. And I'm working very hard and using every ounce of magic I have NOT to fall in love with them as it's an exercise in futility. So I needed this reminder to stay on course. Ah, but it's so hard....


December 17, 2007 - Monday

mojo risin’
Current mood: cynical

i'm abolutely positive that i don't EVER want to be in love ever again..and i'm promising it to myself..and i'm committing myself to that promise

yeah, i thought i had learned that lesson with nicholas - NOT!..although, as time has passed i've softened on that whole era and can look back, smile and thank the gods for the time he came into my life..

love can make you stupid..it can make you debase yourself..it can make you throw away all personal pride..make you forget who you are..

even in the face of blatant indifference

and yes, love can make you feel wonderful when it is freely given and freely received..it's truly a soul-shattering thing..

but i've come to the decision that high isn't worth the low..it's like drugs - it's great while you're blissful but the crash is a motherfucker..

and i've seriously been through that 3 committed times in my life..enough is enough..i can't deal with the rollercoaster ride anymore and maintain my sanity

(watch - you're about to see some badass mojo at work)

i CHOOSE not to open myself and my heart to another living person
i CHOOSE not to allow the chance of heartbreak in my life again

now some of you will say i made the choice to allow someone else to lower me to the level i was at..and that's absolutely true..i allowed my love for my husband to make a fool of me..

so now i choose NOT to let my weakness control my life anymore (from a romantic perspective)

and love IS my greatest weakness

now playing on my iPod "Into the Mystic", Van Morrison