An Exercise in Futility

This is originally from my MySpace page, almost a year ago. Just after my 3rd and FINAL marriage ended. I'm having a difficult time right now keeping this promise to myself, sorta. I love someone, but I'm not IN love with them. And I'm working very hard and using every ounce of magic I have NOT to fall in love with them as it's an exercise in futility. So I needed this reminder to stay on course. Ah, but it's so hard....


December 17, 2007 - Monday

mojo risin’
Current mood: cynical

i'm abolutely positive that i don't EVER want to be in love ever again..and i'm promising it to myself..and i'm committing myself to that promise

yeah, i thought i had learned that lesson with nicholas - NOT!..although, as time has passed i've softened on that whole era and can look back, smile and thank the gods for the time he came into my life..

love can make you stupid..it can make you debase yourself..it can make you throw away all personal pride..make you forget who you are..

even in the face of blatant indifference

and yes, love can make you feel wonderful when it is freely given and freely received..it's truly a soul-shattering thing..

but i've come to the decision that high isn't worth the low..it's like drugs - it's great while you're blissful but the crash is a motherfucker..

and i've seriously been through that 3 committed times in my life..enough is enough..i can't deal with the rollercoaster ride anymore and maintain my sanity

(watch - you're about to see some badass mojo at work)

i CHOOSE not to open myself and my heart to another living person
i CHOOSE not to allow the chance of heartbreak in my life again

now some of you will say i made the choice to allow someone else to lower me to the level i was at..and that's absolutely true..i allowed my love for my husband to make a fool of me..

so now i choose NOT to let my weakness control my life anymore (from a romantic perspective)

and love IS my greatest weakness

now playing on my iPod "Into the Mystic", Van Morrison