Unselfish selfishness

I got a call from my BFF today asking if I could drive her to the hospital. She was going to check herself in to the psych ward.

So naturally, I told her of course I would and to call me when she wanted me to come over to the house to pick her up. I'd leave work and would be there for whatever she needed.

Instead of her, I got a call from her shrink asking me to come get her. She wasn't in a state to drive. I dropped everything and sped off to the shrink's office.

I got there to find my BFF curled up in the fetal position on the couch. Suffice it to say, I got her to the hospital and checked in.

Now I'm ready to find her "partner" and rip her a new one.

Kimmie has always been one of the most balanced people I know. I really credit not offing myself after the dead husband died to her calm, practical, honest strength during that time. When I went on a fuck-fest a year later, she let me get it out of my system and let me cry on her shoulder. When I went on a drinking binge, she reminded me I had to sober up. When I went to jail, she bailed me out.

I died a lot inside seeing her like that today.

I've always known she was in a dysfunctional relationship. Her partner is a non-practicing catholic who is in denial of her homosexuality. She has self-esteem and self-image issues. She shows Kimmie NO affection and they haven't been intimate for years. Everything is about HER. It's killing my best friend and I HAVE NOW HAD ENOUGH.

I've respected Kimmie's relationship, her feelings for this bitch, her co-dependency and her enabling. I guess about a month ago I finally let it all out and told her how I felt about what I'd been seeing. Kimmie knows it and her shrink had finally gotten her to think about HERSELF for a change. Really all of this is the slow death of a fucked up relationship and the near death of one of the partners.

My loyalty lies with my best friend. Not the cunt who is killing her.



Oh yeah, and it's Beltaine.

Happy boxes

Happily may I walk.
Happily, with abundance may I walk.
Happily, with abundant clouds, may I walk.
Happily, with abundant rain, may I walk.
Happily, with abundant plants, may I walk.
Happily, on a trail of abundant pollen, may I walk.
Happily, with abundance may I walk.
Happily may I walk.

-- Hopi night chant


Lots of times I post on here to vent and rant and whine. Ok, most of the time I do. But despite my rollercoaster life, happily I walk.

I learned a looooooong time ago that you have to seize the happy moments in life and save them to pull out when the shitty moments (or long periods) in life take over.

I put those moments in little boxes in my head. (I also put the men I've loved in actual little boxes on my altar but that's another post for another day.)

This past weekend was one of introspection which carried me through some serious emotional ups and downs. Those happy moments were flying around though, so the downs weren't so bad. The object of that introspection, and all the happy moments associated with him, was put in a box on my altar.

But the damn top won't stay on, LOL.

Of maids, warriors and mothers

I gotta go all fangirl on some chicks I know.

I posted how one of my coven sisters and I were leaving our group to work together. Interestingly enough, our other sisters (less our HP obviously) chose to join us. We also embraced two of the "retired" members from the original coven, one of which has jumped right in with both feet. This is becoming serious coolness to me.

So let me squee on each of them.

G-Mama is my "partner in crime". I can't think of a more together, in your face chick than her. She's in my head and it's awesomesauce. She's one of our circle's aspect of the Mother although she also claims "warrior" as she deems necessary. We know each other from somewhere else in time and one day with no distractions and prolly some peyote we're gonna figure it out. She's also the mother of the witchlet.

E-Warrior can't begin to understand what she brings to my life - so LATE in my life. E is biracial like me, that alone flips my shit out. I knew very few other biracial women over the years who were as in the middle about race as I am til I met her. She's the sister I didn't/don't have.

E-Mama interviewed and joined the original coven when I did. I've never said this before but I'd do her in a NY minute. She's hot. Ok pervie-ness aside, she's one of the most gentle souls ever born. I'd go so far to say she's a new soul. She's kind, thoughtful and going through some stuff right now that makes me want to end the life of the person bringing her pain. I cry for her.

T-Maid is, duh, the Maid aspect of the Goddess in our circle. Bright, witty, creative. There's also a very deep river running through her and her perceptions of people and things is amazing. She's also wild and crazy and I'm all about that. She lives the life I could have had, so I'm hanging on her coattails for the ride.

H-Mama is -- hell I dunno how to describe her. I have always felt comfortable, loved and LIKED by H. I always felt a bond with her that wasn't allowed to find it's ground before the schism. I'm reveling in this new found freedom to know her. Cuz I really, really like her. (and Mr. Toes)

So these are my women. I love them all and am so blessed to have them in my life, right here, right now.

On internets, onions, little witchlets and Imbolc

I finally have internet at home. I'm verklempt. I am simply - relieved. Comcast is giving some serious orgasm here. Of all the following inventions of the modern age: cell phone, cable/satellite tv, internet - I have realized I MUST have the internet. Hands down. This is my preferred method of being plugged in. I can live without a cell phone, I can do without tv - but I must have my internet.

For this moment in time - all is well with the world. As long as I don't think about work.

Today my coven sisters and I celebrated our FIRST ritual as a wholly new circle. It was WONDERFUL! Everyone commented on the FRESHNESS and FREEDOM and RELAXED way they felt. Burdens were shed. Old things were burnt in the firepit. Earth was turned and seeds were planted (literally, we prepped a garden and planted potatoes, onions, spinach, lettuce and kale). A little witchlet met her spiritual aunties.

Now I'm tired cuz I'm old and was out in the cold doing physical labor, LOL.

Today was a very good day :)

Reinventing the wheel, or something like that

One of my coven sisters and I have decided to break away from our current coven. This is some SRS SHIT that is both necessary and frightening. It's necessary because we have found ourselves diametrically opposed to our HP and neither of us want to continue like that. It's frightening cuz how do you "create" a spiritual tradition? That alone is some DEEP SHIT.

Our current coven is specifically Wiccan, although we all practice in our own ways. For me, the Wiccan label is painful. I don't consider myself Wiccan. Frankly, I don't consider myself anything other than the general term Pagan as I don't believe in the christian/judaic/islamic concept of god. I also don't take magic as this all-fired mystical thing. To me it's rather pedestrian and very natural. Very common. I also just can't get with rules. The church couldn't convince me of it's validity with rules, neither can Wicca. Most of all, I DO NOT believe that all should be love and light and sunshine and rainbows. My personal experiences have shown me that this _thing_ we call life, and these people we share it with can be some nasty pieces of work. So I'm not opposed to bouncing that back at them - with harm intended if need be.

My sister, I'll call her G-Mama as I'm G-Crone, is more of a humanist and earth worshipper. She's also never considered herself Wiccan and would probably shoot you if you called her that (ex military). She also comes from a really fucked up mixture of spiritual practices that I have yet to untangle. We're both pretty laid back in our spirituality and in how we feel it should be celebrated. So this is good for a starting point.

We don't know if any of our other sisters will join us. The coven really has been seriously damaged - I won't go into it, but it's bad - so they may come with us, they may scatter or they may stay and try to rebuild. G-Mama and I will always love them and welcome them to celebrate with us anytime they like.

As for a tradition, we've decided to go with the flow. We're really in tune enough with each other to know what may be needed but I can't say we'll actually create a formal tradition. But the possibilites of all of this is blowing my mind.

Maybe the Tiger born in the month of the Monkey in the Year of the Ox will find personal fulfillment after a long, dark emptiness. Go me.

Transparent masochism

The Transparent Tarot was my gift to myself over the holidays.

So although I've had them almost a week, I was askeered to read them. The concept of layering the cards and a picture revealing itself is rather disturbing. However I felt this would provide a very profound way to interpret what they say.

Yeah. It is profound. And deeply disturbing.

All circles. Each card was a circle layered over a circle. Fucking freaked me out to SEE it like that but it told me nothing I didn't already know the answer to before I read them. The image though..

I've been reading the cards since I was about 10. I still have my original deck and I've collected a number of others over the years. So the idea of how these cards are read was fascinating to someone who's been doing it for almost 40 yrs. I've also decided I'm going to run these past my all-time favorite reader John over at 13 Magickal Moons and see what he has to say about them. Really, it's an intense way to read tarot.

So masochist that I am, I shall be reading them again tonight. I like blowing my own fucking mind.

Oral fixations or how I'm gaining 900 lbs

I have nfc how I'm managing to continue quitting smoking.

That's not to say that I don't have SERIOUS MAJOR MIND NUMBING cravings, but somehow I manage to get through them. I haven't smoked a cigarette in almost a week. That is amazing to me.

I realized I needed to adjust the times I take the Chantix though. 5am is just too early as it starts to wear off by 1pm and I don't get the second pill til about 4:30pm. So today I waited til about 7am and the afternoon went smoother. I still get a mild headache everyday which a single aspirin seems to relieve.

I will however, weigh at least 900lbs by the time I quit. I really have problems with the oral thing. I have lollipops and all but I think the eating is making up for the not smoking. Well duh, yeah it is. Sucking the Butterfly's dick is only going so far to satisfy that oral fixation, but he's all about "helping the cause in any way he can". Dweeb.

You're also supposed to change your routines around if they involved smoking. However I was reading on the quitting cold turkey site that wasn't wise. Even after you quit you'll still have certain routines you associate with smoking and that could cause you to start again. That made complete sense to me, so rather than change the routines I just modified them somewhat. That not smoking after eating though is a BITCH - especially since I'm a human garbage disposal right now.

The vivid dreams are still there, add to that the fucking night sweats from perimenopause and the enhanced insomnia and I'm a mess. But I'm a healthier mess. Did I mention I may go back to being a vegetarian when this is over? I felt at my healthiest in life back then. We'll see. Have to do it slowly.

I will say this, I celebrated the Esbat by myself last night and it was an intense experience. I felt CLEANER inside and that made a MAJOR difference in the magic. It flowed much freer and even carried through to today. Very, very cool.

now playing on my iPod "Stigmata Martyr" Abney Park

Peruvian Shamans gather for Obama

Ok, I find this INCREDIBLY cool. But it probably freaks the white folks and unenlightened out.

A witch's job is to turn the wheel

I'm turning the Wheel.

Today and tomorrow the Pagan community celebrates Samhain, the end of the year, a time when the veil between the worlds is thin.

I've been on a crying jag this past week. Fall asleep crying, wake up crying, struggle not to cry during the day. Fuck I'm crying now. And it's not hormones.

I'm crying because I miss the dead husband. I miss him horribly and I have yet to go through all the phases of grief. And he's always with me and now he's closer than usual because of the season.

I know why he's so close. I know what he's trying to tell me. I know what he wants of me. I know and I'm just scared. He's trying to let me know my fear is an illusion. He's trying to let me know I'm safe.

My father is here too. He's reminding me of who I am and what I'm made of. Reminding me that life should be enjoyed to the fullest in whatever little way it gives you. To never have regrets.

My grandmother is here. She's trying to remind me of the countless generations of strong women who's blood is in me. That no matter how hard it is, life goes onward and so do I.

My aunt is also here. Gone the longest yet never gone. Reminding me of my intelligence and capabilities. Reminding me that I can be alone and survive. To allow my faith to carry me through the hard times.

My altar is prepared. Their pictures (which you will see over the next few days) are up. The scrying bowl is ready. The candles are lit, flowers are all around and the incense is rising.

They're here and they love me. It's time to go.

Blessed Samhain to you.

This, that and hitting the pause button

So I've decided to put off the whole "influential people in my life" theme until I get over Kimmie's and scan some pics. Any other way will annoy me.

Dinner! After dinner festivities! Yay! The Butterfly and I went to dinner last night and had a fuckin' ball. I enjoy the hell out of the conversations we have and he keeps me laughing non-stop. Nothing like an intelligent man. And no cockblocking this time! Woot!

PFC Tyler has taken a slight detour in the "admirable kid" category the past few days. I've had to put him on lockdown for willfully disobeying a direct order and being less than respectful in his tone to me. Sucks to be him.

My circle of chicks seems completely incapable of finalizing our Samhain ritual. Well this year has seen all of us completely out of whack so I'm not surprised, but c'mon - Samhain is freakin' FRIDAY! I really don't wanna go all crone on them and lay down the law, but it's moving in that direction. Damn whippersnappers!

So on Thursday I have my first REAL doctor appt in oh let's see, 12 years. Yeah. I'm SO not excited. I'm sure she'll require I set up a mammogram (my first) and I'm not looking forward to that AT ALL.

I got some new books the other day - well not so much new as they are old but I don't have them in my personal collection. "Black Feminist Thought" by Patricia Hill Collins, "The Feminine Mystique" by Betty Friedan, "Full Frontal Feminism, A Young Woman's Guide to Why Feminism Matters" by Jessica Valenti (founder of feministing.com) and "Women Who Run With the Wolves, Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype" by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. Hangin' out with all these young feminist chickies (who are fucking AMAZING btw) at Uppity Women Forum (get thee THERE dammit!) made me realize I needed to RE-READ some of the original stuff I read a gazillion years ago, and I needed them in my personal stash, so. I also wanted to read some of the new stuff, hence the "Full Frontal Feminism" which I'm also making PFC Tyler read.

And oh yeah - IT'S FUCKING COLD HERE

Assmitten over at I, Asshole made me feel all guilty about my recent lack of June Cleaverdom so we're baking sugar cookies tonight. Mmmm..

And life grinds ever onward.

now playing on my iPod "What's New Pussycat?", Tom Jones

An Exercise in Futility

This is originally from my MySpace page, almost a year ago. Just after my 3rd and FINAL marriage ended. I'm having a difficult time right now keeping this promise to myself, sorta. I love someone, but I'm not IN love with them. And I'm working very hard and using every ounce of magic I have NOT to fall in love with them as it's an exercise in futility. So I needed this reminder to stay on course. Ah, but it's so hard....


December 17, 2007 - Monday

mojo risin’
Current mood: cynical

i'm abolutely positive that i don't EVER want to be in love ever again..and i'm promising it to myself..and i'm committing myself to that promise

yeah, i thought i had learned that lesson with nicholas - NOT!..although, as time has passed i've softened on that whole era and can look back, smile and thank the gods for the time he came into my life..

love can make you stupid..it can make you debase yourself..it can make you throw away all personal pride..make you forget who you are..

even in the face of blatant indifference

and yes, love can make you feel wonderful when it is freely given and freely received..it's truly a soul-shattering thing..

but i've come to the decision that high isn't worth the low..it's like drugs - it's great while you're blissful but the crash is a motherfucker..

and i've seriously been through that 3 committed times in my life..enough is enough..i can't deal with the rollercoaster ride anymore and maintain my sanity

(watch - you're about to see some badass mojo at work)

i CHOOSE not to open myself and my heart to another living person
i CHOOSE not to allow the chance of heartbreak in my life again

now some of you will say i made the choice to allow someone else to lower me to the level i was at..and that's absolutely true..i allowed my love for my husband to make a fool of me..

so now i choose NOT to let my weakness control my life anymore (from a romantic perspective)

and love IS my greatest weakness

now playing on my iPod "Into the Mystic", Van Morrison

Whatever you love, you are (redux)

The following is from my old myspace page and as I'm in an absolutely BLISSFUL mood today I thought I'd post it here before heading out to ritual tonight. (The coven sister had a beautiful little witchlet.)

-----------------
January 18, 2008 - Friday

whatever you love, you are
Current mood: blissful

this is shamelessly taken from dianne sylvan's blog today but a lovely reminder of how i end everyday and count my blessings before i go to sleep..

"Whatever you love, you are."
~Rumi

If this is true, then today I am..

high-heeled black suede boots
estee lauder beautiful
2 over-energized kittehs
"bad to the bone" by george thoroughgood and the destroyers
out of control philodendrons
a treeful of jabbering bluejays
the object of someones desire
a very pregnant coven sister
tyler being tyler
the crunch of icy snow
"crouching tiger, hidden dragon"
crown royal on the rocks
free
a pot of homemade beef stew
morning air so clean and clear it's as sharp as a knife

what are you today?