If I knit fast enough, does it count as aerobic exercise?

Hello, I'm Greer and I'm a knit-a-holic.

After a year of literal tears I have learned to manage dpns. This of course means socks. Socks are as close to instant gratification with knitting as I can get. Granted I've only made 2 pairs - I believe I did say I had learned to manage dpns, not master them - but I MADE them.

For me knitting is about being practical. I make things that can be worn by myself or someone else. Sweaters take a lot of time, but in the end they're USEFUL. Same with socks.

Knitting also keeps me occupied. Constructively occupied. Hence the reason I haven't posted on here in over a month. Of course, it also allows you to meditate on life and the universe. It's taken the place of my actual meditation practice.

The downside of course is I've become even more sedentary. Couple this with a freakish fascination with Rice Krispie Treats (I've made 9 batches since the weekend before xmas) and hey, I can actually see my ass growing. I haven't gotten to the point where I need to go up a size, but that possibility - like my ass - is looming on the horizon.

So now I'm trying to figure out how I can combine walking with knitting. I say this as I can't imagine NOT knitting during downtime. Downtime is rather expansive as I utilize a lot of child labor. Other than work, doing my laundry and making the occasional dinner the boyz have to pay their way around here with housework.

I'm thinking some sort of shoulder bag for the yarn and limiting my walking to the track up at the high school. At least then I don't have to worry about getting hit by a car. We'll see.

I made the Butterfly a sweater for xmas. I was a bit taken aback that he was so thrilled with it. Maybe no one has ever made him anything. I don't know if he actually took it home, he may be hard pressed to explain it to the wife, but it looks very, very good on him. And whether he ever wears it or not, I still feel really good about having made it for him. It was a labor of love.

LCpl Tyler has now decided that I can make him a sweater. This is after months of telling me he would never wear anything I made. (Yes, 16 is still a shitty, shitty age.) So I let him pick out the color and ordered the yarn. He'll get it by next fall, LOL.

Cherry poppers

Several discussions, both online and IRL contribute to this post. Ok, and some really fucking good Liebfraumilch that chilled all day.

I was having a convo with dood at work about our "firsts", as in first sexual partner. Yes, I remember mine vividly as we grew up together and our parents always wanted us to end up together. I doubt they wanted him to be the one to pop my cherry though. True fact, my mother caught us in the act in the middle of the livingroom floor once. HA!

So anyway, dood was talking about where his first chick was at this point in life and naturally that made me question where Mr. S was. So I did a quick Google-foo as he had been involved in broadcasting. At one point he was a news anchor on our hometown teevee. That made my life miserable as my mother pointed it out to me EVERY FUCKING TIME SHE CALLED since radio/tv production was my major in college and I did fuck all with it. Shrug.

Well dontcha know I found him. Dontcha know he looks just like he did at 16. Dontcha know that made me laugh for quite some time.

I lost my virginity to Mr. S at the tender age of 15. I was DEEPLY in love with him although I found out later (after we broke up and got together again) that he didn't give a flying fuck about me except to tap that ass. Asshole. Second go round Mr. S wrote a song for me even, heh. Anywho, I lost my virginity to Mr. S on New Year's Eve 1976 in my own bed while my mother was next door at a party. Was it all that? Hells to the no. It hurt and I didn't get off. He did of course. Asshole. Sex with Mr. S was fun, he was packin' but it never was the roll your eyes into the back of your head kinda sex. He's also the first man I had anal with. That turned me off from doing that again for another 20 yrs.

So it appears that Mr. S is married with 2 kids and works for a station in the Deep South. Interesting that. I wonder if it's his 2nd marriage? I heard gossip over the years that his wife was an alcoholic. And white. Not that that matters, but it isn't surprising. Mr. S is biracial like me and CANNOT pass. His little bro' could, but he couldn't and always strained to BE white. I think some of that is what helped contribute to my not giving a rats ass about labels. I dunno. I just remember he was always striving to be accepted. His mom was white and that started me on the road to observing how which race the mother was affected the ability for a biracial child to be comfortable in their own skin.

Well the station website has a link to email Mr. S, but it appears to be broken. I think I'm going to keep trying to send Mr. S an email. I'd like to see where his head is at 30+ years later. Dood at work asked me if I would hit that again. Nah, don't think so. I have body image issues (it makes me freak for the Butterfly to see me completely naked) and HE was the one I learned that you don't go back to sloppy seconds.

Lepidoptera

Being a Virgo, I tend to be hyperanalytical, precise, logical and organized, very much an organic computer. I take in information, collate it, cross reference it and then file it away. In my mind I see myself putting the information/experience/feeling in a file folder then in a drawer which zips off to it's virtual file cabinet. On the other hand, at my worst my emotions take over completely and all my careful organization goes down the terlet. I know I'm a neurotic mess, but we all are to some extent or another.

I'm trying to NOT do that with the Butterfly. The very thing I wanted and needed in my life he volunteered for. But he's more than just a fuck buddy and I have far more feelings for him than I should.

Things have been - weird lately and I've tried very hard not to overanalyze it. Not to get all spazzed out and paranoid about it. I'm REALLY GOOD at that even while running my Virgo logic through it's paces simultaneously. He's been more caring, considerate and open. Normally I would run the gamut of "ZOMG he doesn't want me anymore!!!" to "OH SHIT he loves me!". (I'm a freak like that.) Then I beat the histronics down and kept in mind that he's a man, and men are really very simple. I laid it all out and looked at it logically and at face value. Simply put, he thinks about me when I'm not there.

I have realized after a year of this - "thing" that the Butterfly cares for me. For him this is also a step above fuck buddies but nothing more. We're both aware anything else would be an exercise in futility. He treats me decently - I can't describe it any better than that and that's a poor description. He also spoils me and indulges my whims in and out of bed that are in his power to fulfill. I also see how comfortable he is with me. He's who he is, no games, no artifice. Most of all he makes me laugh until I'm purple in the face.

He's told me that I provide him the opportunity to be completely selfish. Selfish is something he isn't used to, something new to him. Bottom line is he's a self-less person who goes above and beyond for just about anyone. He will drive himself to collapse by doing, doing, doing. I give him the complete freedom to say and do whatever he wants, whenever he wants it. All he has to do is reach out - not even ask. He does all this knowing there is no hidden agenda, no payback, no "what have you done for me lately?". He indulges himself and frankly, that brings me great joy.

This pleasure, this simple happiness, this joy is why I will never open myself up to a romantic relationship again with anyone. To have these things partnered with mutual love with someone is - intensely fulfilling. It's that first hill on the Blue Streak rollercoaster at Cedar Point. But it always ends. One way or another, it always ends. And the earth-swallowing void the loss of love leaves behind in you is not worth it to me.

I have no doubt he knows how I really feel about him. He's too intelligent and perceptive not to. But he'll never hear the words from me. Once you put them out there they can't be taken back and they demand a response from the person you gave them to. I don't want to hear his answer. I am selfishly cherishing my never-spoken feelings. I prefer it here where it's safe and joyful, skirting the edges of the void.

Yo, can a girl get some samsara synchronization here?

I had a good day today. I took the day off so I could get a 4 day weekend. I cleaned and reorganized my room. The Butterfly and I had some VERY rare time alone at my house. He made me smile. He's good to me. All is well.

Which brings me to that fuck-all day tomorrow, Valentine's Day.

Yeah, that day which is designed to make those of us who aren't in a relationship feel like shit.

I never really bought into the hype of it, but it IS nice to have a significant other to spoil you that day. Of course some people take the whole romance aspect out and celebrate ALL the love they have in their lives. That's cool I guess but shouldn't you do that everyday anyway?

I'll admit it, right now I wish my relationship with the Butterfly was such that the retail spirit of the day could manifest itself. I'll be so bold as to admit I wish I could have a singular relationship with him. I wish he could swoop into the house tomorrow with roses, candy, wisk me off to a romantic dinner and then make passionate love to me all night long.

But that wasn't meant to be in this lifetime's go round.

So I'll drink heavily, cry ceaselessly, surround myself with all the stuffed animals the dead husband got me every Valentine's Day (yes I saved them all, one every year) and wish I could have better timing in love.

It's a WEDDING! Yay!

Here are a few pictures from my niece's wedding last night. The ceremony and reception were held at a nice resort right on Chesapeake Bay. In my infinite retardoh-ness I failed to have batteries for my camera during the wedding itself, so after a run to the 7-11 I got batteries to get pics during the reception. Yes, I cried my fucking eyes out before, during and after the event.




Here's our BEAUTIFUL bride, Nicole. Nikki is the oldest of the grandkids and is working on her doctorate in pyschology.




Here's the groom. Kevin. Right.




Here are the happy Bride and Groom!




Here's the father of the bride, my former brother in law, Lester. He's Dept. Chair at some college in MD.




Here's the Maid of Honor, my niece Iris - Nicole's little sister. Iris likes to pole dance (sigh). She does however have a degree in Criminal Justice. She just prefers to dance on poles (sigh).




Here's the Matron of Honor. I have nfc what her name is. I'd have to dig out the program to find it and whatever. Right. Iris and this chick picked out their own dresses (sigh).




Here's my oldest son Adam and his girlfriend Christina. I forget sometimes he's not a kid and this pic brings it home to me (sigh).




ZOMG!! WHO IS THIS FOINE YOUNG MAN?? It's MY SON #2 Sean. Holy SHIT I hadn't seen him in a suit since he was like 5 yrs old so DAMN this threw me for a loop! I make some GOOD LOOKIN' KIDS! I wish I had a better one of him standing up, really I was shocked dood looked so suave.




Nicole and Iris. Awww.




PFC Tyler out on the dance floor doing the Electric Slide. PFC Tyler had a ball despite his usual teenage angst. Yes, that's the Matron of Honor next to him (sigh).




PFC Tyler and his cousin Kelin. Kelin is the 2nd oldest grandchild and was the official photographer. Obviously he's not taking pics right now. I'm actually holding his camera.




Here are 6 of the 7 grandkids from this generation. They are all the children of my ex and his 3 brothers. Kelin's little brother Kenny couldn't make it. Lester is in the back. Yeah, that's me looking like a fat gherkin with lots of teeth. But the hair is FABulous.

Nicole's mother didn't make the wedding. Apparently she was too busy nursing her hateful personality. Actually she didn't come because her ex's girlfriend (Michelle) was there. Michelle was a very nice lady and helped Nicole organize the wedding since her own mother was being a bitch. Shrug. I wouldn't miss my kid's wedding whether I approved of their choice or if my ex was there with or without someone. It's my kid fer goodness sake.

Anyway a lovely evening was had by all. Some more than others. I was the designated driver. We got home in one piece. The newlyweds are honeymooning in the Poconos.

An Exercise in Futility

This is originally from my MySpace page, almost a year ago. Just after my 3rd and FINAL marriage ended. I'm having a difficult time right now keeping this promise to myself, sorta. I love someone, but I'm not IN love with them. And I'm working very hard and using every ounce of magic I have NOT to fall in love with them as it's an exercise in futility. So I needed this reminder to stay on course. Ah, but it's so hard....


December 17, 2007 - Monday

mojo risin’
Current mood: cynical

i'm abolutely positive that i don't EVER want to be in love ever again..and i'm promising it to myself..and i'm committing myself to that promise

yeah, i thought i had learned that lesson with nicholas - NOT!..although, as time has passed i've softened on that whole era and can look back, smile and thank the gods for the time he came into my life..

love can make you stupid..it can make you debase yourself..it can make you throw away all personal pride..make you forget who you are..

even in the face of blatant indifference

and yes, love can make you feel wonderful when it is freely given and freely received..it's truly a soul-shattering thing..

but i've come to the decision that high isn't worth the low..it's like drugs - it's great while you're blissful but the crash is a motherfucker..

and i've seriously been through that 3 committed times in my life..enough is enough..i can't deal with the rollercoaster ride anymore and maintain my sanity

(watch - you're about to see some badass mojo at work)

i CHOOSE not to open myself and my heart to another living person
i CHOOSE not to allow the chance of heartbreak in my life again

now some of you will say i made the choice to allow someone else to lower me to the level i was at..and that's absolutely true..i allowed my love for my husband to make a fool of me..

so now i choose NOT to let my weakness control my life anymore (from a romantic perspective)

and love IS my greatest weakness

now playing on my iPod "Into the Mystic", Van Morrison

Whatever you love, you are (redux)

The following is from my old myspace page and as I'm in an absolutely BLISSFUL mood today I thought I'd post it here before heading out to ritual tonight. (The coven sister had a beautiful little witchlet.)

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January 18, 2008 - Friday

whatever you love, you are
Current mood: blissful

this is shamelessly taken from dianne sylvan's blog today but a lovely reminder of how i end everyday and count my blessings before i go to sleep..

"Whatever you love, you are."
~Rumi

If this is true, then today I am..

high-heeled black suede boots
estee lauder beautiful
2 over-energized kittehs
"bad to the bone" by george thoroughgood and the destroyers
out of control philodendrons
a treeful of jabbering bluejays
the object of someones desire
a very pregnant coven sister
tyler being tyler
the crunch of icy snow
"crouching tiger, hidden dragon"
crown royal on the rocks
free
a pot of homemade beef stew
morning air so clean and clear it's as sharp as a knife

what are you today?