Monkey Boy

Well today #3 son LCpl Tyler is 16.

This has been a LONG time coming. I only have 2 years left on my mom sentence.

If ever there was an accidental baby, Tyler would be it. For all intents and purposes my marriage was over, I hated my husband with the heat of a billion suns and was desperately looking for a way out. Of course he wasn't aware of any of this as I played the perfect wife. Like pregnancy #1, the asshole abused me while I was pregnant. When I went to the doctor and found out I was pregnant, I begged them to do the test over - I would have preferred cancer to a baby. Another child only lowered my chances of ever getting out of the hell I was in. But it wasn't to be, and I had what became the most controversial child yet.

Tyler is light enough to pass for white and has blonde hair and green eyes.

Yeah, I got an ass kicking for that one. My ex couldn't accept Tyler's coloring. His parents couldn't accept his coloring. The first time my former father-in-law held him, Tyler had his eyes closed. He said "Ah, look at the little redbone". Tyler opened his eyes and he said "Oh, my. His eyes." (What the fuck kind of statement is that? He isn't fucking Rosemary's Baby!) So for the first couple of years they all kept a close eye on Tyler to see if he looked like anyone else. They weren't shy about their "concerns" and I got so mad once I told them I'd be more than happy to have a paternity test done if they were so certain I was pawning off another man's kid on them. That pretty much shut them up, along with certain physical traits that manifested in Tyler that they all share. Fuckers.

Well things were so tense and so bad that I had a series of 2 nervous breakdowns right after he was born. Checked myself into a nuthouse, checked myself out after 24 hours (I realized I wasn't nutcakes, just fucking tired). I did go into therapy and went on Prozac. Tyler was 2 when the marriage fell completely apart and we divorced.

Blah, blah - joint custody. Blah, blah - no child support. Blah, blah - ex moved back to Ohio with his girlfriend. Blah, blah - oldest 2 went to live with the asshole cuz mom had to move us all to the 'hood and they were no longer suburbanites. But I kept Tyler. He's MY child.

The rest I've told at some point or another. We moved here to VA with the dead husband. Dead husband was the only father Tyler knew. Dead husband died. Tyler lost his mind for awhile. The Marines have knocked some sense into him. Things are markedly better.

I guess most of what I want to say is that Tyler is mine. 100% without question MY CHILD. I've made some horrible mistakes with him, but there are moments when I see the things I've tried to instill in him shine through. He has a very dry, very sharp sense of humor that comes from me. He can be very kind, generous and loving when the teenage angst is on the back burner. He doesn't have any prejudices that I can see. He's extremely competitive (another of my traits) especially if it's something he really likes. Most of all, and what I'm most proud of, is that Tyler is a feminist. Over the years he has said several times that "girls can do anything I can do except pee standing up, and I guess they can do that but their aim wouldn't be the same". Take THAT bitches!

Unfortunately, he has a temper that he can't control as well as he needs to in order to succeed in life. MCJROTC has helped some, but it's still there simmering under the surface. If there is one thing I wish for my son, it's that he learns to control that temper. I see difficult times for him if he doesn't.

So Happy Birthday Monkey Boy! Mommy loves you so much!

On peanuts, birthdays and regrets

22 years ago today I gave birth to #2 son, Sean.

I think I've said before that he's my favorite, if parents are allowed to have favorites. During the period of my horrendous first marriage there was a lull in the drama when I loved my husband. There was little abuse, he was the charming, funny, sexy, fun man I thought I had married 6 yrs prior. Out of that brief oasis Sean was conceived and came into this world very much loved.

He's the most sensitive of my boys. He's also very quiet, very observant. He's most like me truth be told. He also looks like me. He's the one I bestowed my Irish heritage on with his name. Like his mother, he also holds his anger in and let's it seethe until it comes rolling out like thunder. He also holds and nurses resentment and revenge until the point he can unleash it on whoever has wronged him.

Sean has had the roughest go as well. In 1998 he chose to move with his older brother back to Ohio with their father. Suffice it to say his father did nothing remotely responsible as a parent, culminating in his getting drunk, taking a loaded 45 and threatening Sean with it. A month before the dead husband died I got a call out of the blue from Sean saying he had been placed in a halfway house because his father had been arrested for attempted murder. The dead husband and I prepared for Sean's arrival (he wasn't quite 18), the dead husband died and Sean came to live with me and LCpl Tyler.

Sadly, the time he spent with his father nurtured a heart wrenching laziness in Sean that I can't shake him out of. I don't subscribe to admitting regrets in life like many people do. However, not being there to raise my son during the important years of his life IS a regret I admit to.

My wish for my favored son is that he finds his place in life and puts all his effort into making the most of it. I wish that he would ask questions more and not continue to internalize the fuck-all shit his father filled him with. Of all 3, Sean is the oldest soul.

Happy Birthday, Peanut. Mommy loves you.

Happy boxes

Happily may I walk.
Happily, with abundance may I walk.
Happily, with abundant clouds, may I walk.
Happily, with abundant rain, may I walk.
Happily, with abundant plants, may I walk.
Happily, on a trail of abundant pollen, may I walk.
Happily, with abundance may I walk.
Happily may I walk.

-- Hopi night chant


Lots of times I post on here to vent and rant and whine. Ok, most of the time I do. But despite my rollercoaster life, happily I walk.

I learned a looooooong time ago that you have to seize the happy moments in life and save them to pull out when the shitty moments (or long periods) in life take over.

I put those moments in little boxes in my head. (I also put the men I've loved in actual little boxes on my altar but that's another post for another day.)

This past weekend was one of introspection which carried me through some serious emotional ups and downs. Those happy moments were flying around though, so the downs weren't so bad. The object of that introspection, and all the happy moments associated with him, was put in a box on my altar.

But the damn top won't stay on, LOL.

Of maids, warriors and mothers

I gotta go all fangirl on some chicks I know.

I posted how one of my coven sisters and I were leaving our group to work together. Interestingly enough, our other sisters (less our HP obviously) chose to join us. We also embraced two of the "retired" members from the original coven, one of which has jumped right in with both feet. This is becoming serious coolness to me.

So let me squee on each of them.

G-Mama is my "partner in crime". I can't think of a more together, in your face chick than her. She's in my head and it's awesomesauce. She's one of our circle's aspect of the Mother although she also claims "warrior" as she deems necessary. We know each other from somewhere else in time and one day with no distractions and prolly some peyote we're gonna figure it out. She's also the mother of the witchlet.

E-Warrior can't begin to understand what she brings to my life - so LATE in my life. E is biracial like me, that alone flips my shit out. I knew very few other biracial women over the years who were as in the middle about race as I am til I met her. She's the sister I didn't/don't have.

E-Mama interviewed and joined the original coven when I did. I've never said this before but I'd do her in a NY minute. She's hot. Ok pervie-ness aside, she's one of the most gentle souls ever born. I'd go so far to say she's a new soul. She's kind, thoughtful and going through some stuff right now that makes me want to end the life of the person bringing her pain. I cry for her.

T-Maid is, duh, the Maid aspect of the Goddess in our circle. Bright, witty, creative. There's also a very deep river running through her and her perceptions of people and things is amazing. She's also wild and crazy and I'm all about that. She lives the life I could have had, so I'm hanging on her coattails for the ride.

H-Mama is -- hell I dunno how to describe her. I have always felt comfortable, loved and LIKED by H. I always felt a bond with her that wasn't allowed to find it's ground before the schism. I'm reveling in this new found freedom to know her. Cuz I really, really like her. (and Mr. Toes)

So these are my women. I love them all and am so blessed to have them in my life, right here, right now.

On internets, onions, little witchlets and Imbolc

I finally have internet at home. I'm verklempt. I am simply - relieved. Comcast is giving some serious orgasm here. Of all the following inventions of the modern age: cell phone, cable/satellite tv, internet - I have realized I MUST have the internet. Hands down. This is my preferred method of being plugged in. I can live without a cell phone, I can do without tv - but I must have my internet.

For this moment in time - all is well with the world. As long as I don't think about work.

Today my coven sisters and I celebrated our FIRST ritual as a wholly new circle. It was WONDERFUL! Everyone commented on the FRESHNESS and FREEDOM and RELAXED way they felt. Burdens were shed. Old things were burnt in the firepit. Earth was turned and seeds were planted (literally, we prepped a garden and planted potatoes, onions, spinach, lettuce and kale). A little witchlet met her spiritual aunties.

Now I'm tired cuz I'm old and was out in the cold doing physical labor, LOL.

Today was a very good day :)

Reinventing the wheel, or something like that

One of my coven sisters and I have decided to break away from our current coven. This is some SRS SHIT that is both necessary and frightening. It's necessary because we have found ourselves diametrically opposed to our HP and neither of us want to continue like that. It's frightening cuz how do you "create" a spiritual tradition? That alone is some DEEP SHIT.

Our current coven is specifically Wiccan, although we all practice in our own ways. For me, the Wiccan label is painful. I don't consider myself Wiccan. Frankly, I don't consider myself anything other than the general term Pagan as I don't believe in the christian/judaic/islamic concept of god. I also don't take magic as this all-fired mystical thing. To me it's rather pedestrian and very natural. Very common. I also just can't get with rules. The church couldn't convince me of it's validity with rules, neither can Wicca. Most of all, I DO NOT believe that all should be love and light and sunshine and rainbows. My personal experiences have shown me that this _thing_ we call life, and these people we share it with can be some nasty pieces of work. So I'm not opposed to bouncing that back at them - with harm intended if need be.

My sister, I'll call her G-Mama as I'm G-Crone, is more of a humanist and earth worshipper. She's also never considered herself Wiccan and would probably shoot you if you called her that (ex military). She also comes from a really fucked up mixture of spiritual practices that I have yet to untangle. We're both pretty laid back in our spirituality and in how we feel it should be celebrated. So this is good for a starting point.

We don't know if any of our other sisters will join us. The coven really has been seriously damaged - I won't go into it, but it's bad - so they may come with us, they may scatter or they may stay and try to rebuild. G-Mama and I will always love them and welcome them to celebrate with us anytime they like.

As for a tradition, we've decided to go with the flow. We're really in tune enough with each other to know what may be needed but I can't say we'll actually create a formal tradition. But the possibilites of all of this is blowing my mind.

Maybe the Tiger born in the month of the Monkey in the Year of the Ox will find personal fulfillment after a long, dark emptiness. Go me.

Transparent masochism

The Transparent Tarot was my gift to myself over the holidays.

So although I've had them almost a week, I was askeered to read them. The concept of layering the cards and a picture revealing itself is rather disturbing. However I felt this would provide a very profound way to interpret what they say.

Yeah. It is profound. And deeply disturbing.

All circles. Each card was a circle layered over a circle. Fucking freaked me out to SEE it like that but it told me nothing I didn't already know the answer to before I read them. The image though..

I've been reading the cards since I was about 10. I still have my original deck and I've collected a number of others over the years. So the idea of how these cards are read was fascinating to someone who's been doing it for almost 40 yrs. I've also decided I'm going to run these past my all-time favorite reader John over at 13 Magickal Moons and see what he has to say about them. Really, it's an intense way to read tarot.

So masochist that I am, I shall be reading them again tonight. I like blowing my own fucking mind.

It's a WEDDING! Yay!

Here are a few pictures from my niece's wedding last night. The ceremony and reception were held at a nice resort right on Chesapeake Bay. In my infinite retardoh-ness I failed to have batteries for my camera during the wedding itself, so after a run to the 7-11 I got batteries to get pics during the reception. Yes, I cried my fucking eyes out before, during and after the event.




Here's our BEAUTIFUL bride, Nicole. Nikki is the oldest of the grandkids and is working on her doctorate in pyschology.




Here's the groom. Kevin. Right.




Here are the happy Bride and Groom!




Here's the father of the bride, my former brother in law, Lester. He's Dept. Chair at some college in MD.




Here's the Maid of Honor, my niece Iris - Nicole's little sister. Iris likes to pole dance (sigh). She does however have a degree in Criminal Justice. She just prefers to dance on poles (sigh).




Here's the Matron of Honor. I have nfc what her name is. I'd have to dig out the program to find it and whatever. Right. Iris and this chick picked out their own dresses (sigh).




Here's my oldest son Adam and his girlfriend Christina. I forget sometimes he's not a kid and this pic brings it home to me (sigh).




ZOMG!! WHO IS THIS FOINE YOUNG MAN?? It's MY SON #2 Sean. Holy SHIT I hadn't seen him in a suit since he was like 5 yrs old so DAMN this threw me for a loop! I make some GOOD LOOKIN' KIDS! I wish I had a better one of him standing up, really I was shocked dood looked so suave.




Nicole and Iris. Awww.




PFC Tyler out on the dance floor doing the Electric Slide. PFC Tyler had a ball despite his usual teenage angst. Yes, that's the Matron of Honor next to him (sigh).




PFC Tyler and his cousin Kelin. Kelin is the 2nd oldest grandchild and was the official photographer. Obviously he's not taking pics right now. I'm actually holding his camera.




Here are 6 of the 7 grandkids from this generation. They are all the children of my ex and his 3 brothers. Kelin's little brother Kenny couldn't make it. Lester is in the back. Yeah, that's me looking like a fat gherkin with lots of teeth. But the hair is FABulous.

Nicole's mother didn't make the wedding. Apparently she was too busy nursing her hateful personality. Actually she didn't come because her ex's girlfriend (Michelle) was there. Michelle was a very nice lady and helped Nicole organize the wedding since her own mother was being a bitch. Shrug. I wouldn't miss my kid's wedding whether I approved of their choice or if my ex was there with or without someone. It's my kid fer goodness sake.

Anyway a lovely evening was had by all. Some more than others. I was the designated driver. We got home in one piece. The newlyweds are honeymooning in the Poconos.

An Exercise in Futility

This is originally from my MySpace page, almost a year ago. Just after my 3rd and FINAL marriage ended. I'm having a difficult time right now keeping this promise to myself, sorta. I love someone, but I'm not IN love with them. And I'm working very hard and using every ounce of magic I have NOT to fall in love with them as it's an exercise in futility. So I needed this reminder to stay on course. Ah, but it's so hard....


December 17, 2007 - Monday

mojo risin’
Current mood: cynical

i'm abolutely positive that i don't EVER want to be in love ever again..and i'm promising it to myself..and i'm committing myself to that promise

yeah, i thought i had learned that lesson with nicholas - NOT!..although, as time has passed i've softened on that whole era and can look back, smile and thank the gods for the time he came into my life..

love can make you stupid..it can make you debase yourself..it can make you throw away all personal pride..make you forget who you are..

even in the face of blatant indifference

and yes, love can make you feel wonderful when it is freely given and freely received..it's truly a soul-shattering thing..

but i've come to the decision that high isn't worth the low..it's like drugs - it's great while you're blissful but the crash is a motherfucker..

and i've seriously been through that 3 committed times in my life..enough is enough..i can't deal with the rollercoaster ride anymore and maintain my sanity

(watch - you're about to see some badass mojo at work)

i CHOOSE not to open myself and my heart to another living person
i CHOOSE not to allow the chance of heartbreak in my life again

now some of you will say i made the choice to allow someone else to lower me to the level i was at..and that's absolutely true..i allowed my love for my husband to make a fool of me..

so now i choose NOT to let my weakness control my life anymore (from a romantic perspective)

and love IS my greatest weakness

now playing on my iPod "Into the Mystic", Van Morrison