Lepidoptera

Being a Virgo, I tend to be hyperanalytical, precise, logical and organized, very much an organic computer. I take in information, collate it, cross reference it and then file it away. In my mind I see myself putting the information/experience/feeling in a file folder then in a drawer which zips off to it's virtual file cabinet. On the other hand, at my worst my emotions take over completely and all my careful organization goes down the terlet. I know I'm a neurotic mess, but we all are to some extent or another.

I'm trying to NOT do that with the Butterfly. The very thing I wanted and needed in my life he volunteered for. But he's more than just a fuck buddy and I have far more feelings for him than I should.

Things have been - weird lately and I've tried very hard not to overanalyze it. Not to get all spazzed out and paranoid about it. I'm REALLY GOOD at that even while running my Virgo logic through it's paces simultaneously. He's been more caring, considerate and open. Normally I would run the gamut of "ZOMG he doesn't want me anymore!!!" to "OH SHIT he loves me!". (I'm a freak like that.) Then I beat the histronics down and kept in mind that he's a man, and men are really very simple. I laid it all out and looked at it logically and at face value. Simply put, he thinks about me when I'm not there.

I have realized after a year of this - "thing" that the Butterfly cares for me. For him this is also a step above fuck buddies but nothing more. We're both aware anything else would be an exercise in futility. He treats me decently - I can't describe it any better than that and that's a poor description. He also spoils me and indulges my whims in and out of bed that are in his power to fulfill. I also see how comfortable he is with me. He's who he is, no games, no artifice. Most of all he makes me laugh until I'm purple in the face.

He's told me that I provide him the opportunity to be completely selfish. Selfish is something he isn't used to, something new to him. Bottom line is he's a self-less person who goes above and beyond for just about anyone. He will drive himself to collapse by doing, doing, doing. I give him the complete freedom to say and do whatever he wants, whenever he wants it. All he has to do is reach out - not even ask. He does all this knowing there is no hidden agenda, no payback, no "what have you done for me lately?". He indulges himself and frankly, that brings me great joy.

This pleasure, this simple happiness, this joy is why I will never open myself up to a romantic relationship again with anyone. To have these things partnered with mutual love with someone is - intensely fulfilling. It's that first hill on the Blue Streak rollercoaster at Cedar Point. But it always ends. One way or another, it always ends. And the earth-swallowing void the loss of love leaves behind in you is not worth it to me.

I have no doubt he knows how I really feel about him. He's too intelligent and perceptive not to. But he'll never hear the words from me. Once you put them out there they can't be taken back and they demand a response from the person you gave them to. I don't want to hear his answer. I am selfishly cherishing my never-spoken feelings. I prefer it here where it's safe and joyful, skirting the edges of the void.